Biracial

Chapter 30:

Asia.

My mom and I barely talked the next day. Like barely. I tried to apologize, but she ignored me so I ended up writing it down and giving it to her. If she read it, my guess is as good as yours. She was not trying to talk to me. I guess though.

Em and Nate stayed home, so we're about to go to the cemetery. When we leave there, we're driving to Montebello to go see his side of the family. It's a short drive, yet we haven't been in years. I hate that this is the occasion we have to meet on. Family just isn't as close as we should be.

His parents are still alive, and he has three brothers and two sisters. I have cousins galore. I have some that I used to be close with but we all fell off when... ya know. I swear being with Carson fucked up so much stuff in my life. But I refuse to dwell on the past right now.

I pulled on my white sweater over my black tank top, and twisted my pants leg around the right way before sliding my feet into my UGG boots. I curled my hair and brushed half of it into a ponytail and let the rest hang. I hung my silver chain with the R charm hanging from it, around my neck.

"Asia, you ready?"

"Yeah." I sprayed some perfume and grabbed my purse, walking out.

- - -

We trudged through the grass, weaving between different headstones until we found the one we were looking for. Dad's.

For a second we just stood looking at it. Somebody sniffled while I zoned out, thinking about how life could've been if he was still here.

Would I do half the shit I do? Would I have ever dated Carson? Would I be dating Shad?

I don't know. I do know that my mom and I wouldn't bump heads so much. She'd be happier. Not saying she's not with Jamal, it's just she hasn't been as happy as she was.

When dad was alive, my mother was as chipper as can be. Literally woke up happy. Made breakfast happy. She was content with everything she did.

"Youngest first." Nathan patted my back before he and Em walked off. I sighed taking a seat in the grass before his headstone.

"Dad... I know you're looking down at me like "What the hell happened to my princess?" I grew up. I've learned from my mistakes and I moved on from them. Some of the things I do, don't please you. You don't have to be here to tell me about myself for me to know that. It's just certain things I wanted to explore, so I did." I shrugged.

I wiped my face, unaware as to when I started crying.

"Then mom, oh my God. We can't get along to save our lives. Like when I first came home, it was all good. But it's been going downhill since." I explained. "I don't know how to deal with her or how to make it right. She wants me to be this perfect child, and I can't be."

I sighed. It's only so much I can do to please her and I can't give what I don't have.

I can't give her the perfect little girl she wants because that's not me. I'm not innocent, I'm far from it. I don't practice proper etiquette and I don't use my manners as often as I should, but I try and that should count for something.

I just want her to be happy with who I am and what I've accomplished thus far. I want her to realize that I'm really putting forth the effort to be at least a third of what she wants me to be.

To be honest, I don't do half the things most girls my age do and that's saying a lot. No shade to any teenaged mothers out there taking care of responsibilities, but I don't have kids, I don't drink – like that, I smoke – occasionally, and that's fucking beautiful. I fucked up and started having sex, but that's not shit compared to all the things I could be doing.