The Endgame and Mischief

CHAPTER THIRTY-EIGHT

Chapter 38: One step forward, it's not enough

Now you lay me down to sleep,

I pray the lord my soul to keep.

If I shall die before I wake,

I pray the lord my soul to take.

The gleaming dimension of life. The blurry lines of death. When we'll know that we live? When we'll know we should live?

They said miracles do not happen often. It didn't happen on our daily lives, yet I realized that, we do not wait for miracles to happen, we seek for them, and life is full of it. Every golden morning full of mist and cacophony sounds of living things, isn't it our own prodigy? Every day is our own commencement to nourish from who we are yesterday, to not change but to rectify our choices that once put us into apotheosis.

I drowned myself onto Oblivion what's indeed the meaning of it...

I thought most often, every second, every step I made, I was left in here to live because this is my way to repent my sins. The moment life shredded what belongs to me, that's the day I died and only exist, that's the phase wherein I stop looking on my own miracles, because I thought living this life has its own blue print to begin with.

Happiness will come along someday...

That was the exact thought I've been holding to, on daily basis...but, there's no someday, I only had today, and don't you think that right at this moment, it is the phase that I thought of yesterday? So when? When is the happiness I am talking will come?

Like miracles, we seek for happiness too...and that's what I've learned that night...

I contemplate that, that is why I am sad because I seek for happiness too much. I yearned and yearned for it, that I have forgotten to live and look at those trivial things...it's normal to seek for it, for the satisfaction, for the gaiety, because that's part of being human, to ask for things we don't have. Yet...I've learned that, live still, as happiness sometimes might be the sense of oppression.

Live...

There are a lot of reasons to live, look for them. Felicity is only appendage of life and you don't need to be happy often as we have our own downslope, sometimes. Yet don't, forget to live and celebrate small things that you've accomplished as well.

"Why are you here?"

The dim yellow light from the sconces hang around the walls give a kind of heavy aura in the place, my eyes traces the gold ornate designed along the altar as I plead for strength when my chest started to contradict.

I've started to seek for my reasons and in order for me to do that...I need to forgive. There are so many wonderings in life, so I choose to be kind.

Fingers clasped tightly on my lap, my breathing started to became uneven when I heard the familiar chuckle—without jesting yet coated with wariness.

"Why don't you read me first a few pages of you?" magaan niyang tanong ngunit sa kabila niyon ay pakiramdam ng pagiging handa sa kung ano mang mga tanong na ibabato ko sa kaniya.

Huminga ng malalim ay siyang pag pikit ko ng mariin, tinutukoy sa sarili kung saan 'nga ba ako magsisimula. Inihanda ang boses at mga salita ay malaki akong napalunok.  Ang tingin ay nakatuon sa maliit na Altar na ngayon ay tanging anino lamang ng gabi ang naroon upang magbantay.

"Nurse na ako," panimula ko bago maliit ngunit malungkot na mapangiti. "Mama, Nurse na ako..."

Sa aking gilid ay narinig ko ang bahagyang paglangitngit ng kaniyang wheel chair bago ko siya maramdaman na tumango at marinig ang kaniyang malalim na buntong hininga. Nang hindi siya sumagot ay ginamit ko iyon na senyales upang magpatuloy.