Lover

Prologue

“Kailan mo balak sabihin sa'kin?” I asked softly. While she crane her neck to look at me. She withdraw her body on me.

“What are you talking about?” She asked with confusion lacing her tone. Well, ako din confuse kung may pupuntahang maganda ang paguusap namin. But Zoel and Hail told me to talk to her.

“Your offer... You are offered to work overseas. The offer of Harvard,” I said while trying to bite my tongue to comment on something that might offend her. I hate upsetting her.

“I am accepting the offer.” She whispered. And I felt I was struck by lightning bolt.

“What about us?” Hindi ko mapigilang tanong while remained her poker face.

“What do you mean us? Ichi, I thought you understand. Why are you making me choose between my dream and you?” She asked with a hint of disappointment in her tone.

“Deil, You know that I am  not making you choose.” I said trying to contain myself from shouting at her. She hates shouting. And I hate it too.

“But it doesn't feel like that, Ichi!” She said fueled with frustration.

“It doesn't? Do you even recall any event that I asked you to give up something for me?” I asked while trying to avoid her gaze. I don't want to cry in front of her out of frustration and disappointment.

“I don't.” She replied.

“Then why are you implying that I am making you choose?” I asked and my tone raised kasi hindi ko na mapigilan at tila sasabog na ako.

“Because Ichi, I know that you want something more and I am so pressured and I cannot even breathe. I feel so freaking suffocated because I know that you want to settle down already. Bcause you are okay with what you have. Because after all, you are a Constantine! And I am fucking insecure with the thought that I will never be deserving of you. Kasi hindi naman ako galing sa sobrang yaman na pamilya! Hindi ako katulad nung may mga gusto sa'yo, Ichi!  Ako, kailangan kong gawin ang lahat kailangan kong may patuyan para kahit ngayon man lang makita ako ng ibang kaibigan mo na kapantay nila. Na makita ko din na magkapantay na tayo. Kasi nahihirapan din naman ako, Ichi! Nahihirapan akong habulin lahat ng mga napatunayan mo na.... N-nahihirapan na ako!” She said in between her sobs. And hindi ko 'yon alam. Dahil she rarely open about what she feels especially, if it's about me.

“Why are you making me feel like I am the bad guy here? Kasi Deil, ako din e. Nahihirapan na din ako... Ang hirap nang intindihin na kailangan mo palaging may patunayan, kahit alam naman nating dalawa na kahit kailan hindi ko ipinaramdam na may pagitan sa atin. And you know that, I am willingly to cut ties with people who disrespect you in any form. Not because you asked me but I did because I love you. And I love you so fucking much and I stopped dreaming for me!  Because I love dreaming the same dream with you. I love the idea that you are dreaming like that.” Patuloy na umaagos ang luha ko. Ganun din ang sa kaniya. Mahina din ang paghikbi nito ngunit tumatagos hanggang kaluluwa ko yung sakit nwng kaniyang pag-iyak.

“Iyon nga ang problema e. You are settling for less because you are settling for me.” She said while giving me a bitter smile.

“Kaya nga napagod kana na intayin ako e.” Parang nagsusumbong na bata na ani nito

“Hindi naman kita pinapapili e! Alam mo naman 'yan, Rev. You know how much I wanted to support you. Kasi bago mo naman naging karelasyon, taga-hanga mo na ako. I love you seeing you dreaming and working hard to get that dream. Pero Rev, sana naman isama mo ako sa pangarap mo. Isama mo naman tayo. Kasi ako Deil, may plano ako para sa atin e.” I said trying to control my sobs.

“Hindi mo ako naiintindihan!” She yelled, angry and frustrated tears were continue to stream down on her cheeks. And I am crying, too.

“Alam mong naiintindihan kita. Alam mo na pinipilit kong intindihin. It's been 4 damn years, Rev. Ano bang gusto mong mangyari?” I rebutted while looking her. I really hate when we are fighting. I hate fighting with her. I hate that we are fighting like this.

“Let's break up.” She said. Her tone was dead serious.

“Okay.” I responded.

Kasi alam kong kahit anong gawin ko walang magbabago sa desisyon niya. She is grounded with her principles. And she won't take back her words. That's one of the most frustrating and most amazing part of her personality. She never back down from arguements and her stand. She is very outspoken, smart, and ambitious.
And I love that part of her. I adore all of it combined. Kasi si Rev 'yan e.

“Ichi..” She called and my soul left my body after hearing that tone. 

“Ako na mag-sasabi kina Mom,” Saad ko habang pinipigilan na maglupasay at magmakaawa sa harap niya. Hindi dahil sa napagod na ako. Pero alam kong magiging mas okay siya. Mahal na mahal ko siya.

I griped hard on the small box in my pocket.  Gusto ko lang namang mahalin ka. Bakit sobrang sakit? Bakit sa tingin mo ang hirap mong mahalin? When it feels like breathing to love you, Reverence?

Mabilis akong sumakay ng kotse. Blangko ang isip ko kung saan ako dapat pumunta. Kasi kapag naliligaw ako bumabalik lang naman ako sa kaniya kasi siya lang naman ang gusto kong puntahan. Pero ngayon kasi ay iba na. I cannot come home to her now. I cannot call her my home now...

She is dreaming of something more than a comfortable life with me. Magkaiba kami ng gusto. She wants to seize all the possible opportunities for growth. While I want to grow with her while pursuing my dreams.

I just can't force her to abandon her dreams to love me.

I just can't...

Sumabay pa ang malakas na ulan.