Lover

Kabanata 48

Everyone of us are our own monster.

***

"Why are you acting like that?" I shouted angrily. Veins are popping from the side of my neck.

I don't give a single fuck if she will find this offensive. She have no rights to act like that to be begin with.

"Acting like what!?" Galit din nitong sinalubong ang mga mata ko. Na parang ako pa ang may utang na loob dito.

"Feeling so entitled." I replied while glaring at her. Talagang nakaka-pikon siya.

"Is that so? Are you pissed off that I proved to your so called fiancée and fangirl that they never come close to me? Are you mad because you cannot go back to playing hearts!?" May diin at gigil nitong ani habang sinalubong ko naman ang mata nito na nagpupuyos din sa galit. Her warm honey brown eyes were angry as hell.

"Can you please stop putting this on me? Bakit ba kapag may pagkakataon palagi sa akin ang sisi? Isn't it enough that I owned the blames and shitty comments after we called it quits? Isn't it enough to afford peace? For five fucking years..... Wala kang narinig sa'kin! I respected your decisions. I leave you alone even though I still want us. Hindi ako lumaban kasi mahal na mahal kita at gusto kong matupad mo ang mga pangarap mo. Bakit ba hirap na hirap kang ibigay na lang ito sa'kin? I am trying to be okay, Rev. Pero bakit pinaparamdam mo pa rin yung matagal ko nang kinalimutan na sakit? Bakit!?" I said with desperately while holding myself together.

I didn't realize my tears are flowing endlessly. Her eyes were now reflecting how vulnerable she is. It was guilty and desperate too.

"Ako din e.. I am asking the same question. Why I cannot help but to feel angry to see you acting so good, as if nothing happened. Parang mas matatanggap ko pa kung nagalit ka man lang e. But you chose to love me good and it hurts... Why do you need to suffer in silence? Bakit hindi mo sinabi sa kanila? I promise you, I want to give this to you but my heart won't let me. Gusto ko pang ilaban ka, kasi baka ngayon pwede na. Na ngayon may lakas na ako ng loob na ilaban ka. Na ngayon kasi magkapantay na tayo. Nakikita na kita kahit hindi ako tumingala... Pero ang hirap pala... because there is someone else." She sobbed harder.

Parang yung iyak na hindi mo basta maaalo. Habang natigilan naman ako. Dahil ngayon ko lang siya nakitang umiyak nang ganiyan. Na parang hindi siya basta titigil.

And I can feel a part of me breaking. Is it my heart? I don't know.

"I am also trying to be okay.. T-to be used to the i-dea that you are no longer interested to deal with me. I am also trying... God knows how much I am trying, I..Ichi.." Garalgal na ani nito. And I can't help but to feel bad.

Tumakbo itong umiiyak. At wala akong lakas para habulin siya.

****
I was running away from her while not minding if I look decent enough. I immediately went to the comfort room to wash my face. After 20 minutes of staring at my reflection. Ay agad kong inayos ang sarili.

I cannot look forward like I am went to war and lost all my companion. I cannot look like a loser next to that girl. I have nothing against Red. One thing I have against her is her being associated with my person.

And speak of the devil, herself. Red is wearing her hair down. Pinanindigan ng gaga ang pagiging pula. She looked like the small dyed chicks sold all over the town during fiestas.

Naka-harap din ito sa salamin habang inaayos ang lipstick niya. I also saw marks in her collarbone. But I averted my eyes. Lalo lang akong maiinis kung makikita ko pa 'yon.

"I don't know why you are trying so hard to find a place in Yich's life." Ani nito. It sounded nonchalant but it's fucking offensive.

"I don't know if you are dense or stupid... I don't need to find myself a place. Because I always have it." I replied in low tone.