Lover

Kabanata 55: Devil's Confession

it is to always choose loving those parts that you thought that was hard to love. it is loving in a way you feel that you are loved.

patuloy, paulit-ulit, at palagi kang pipiliin.

***

I sometimes feel like I am drawing constellations in abyss. But i didn't know that you love those constellations, you will praise me for drawing them there.

Hindi ko rin alam kung ano bang nakita mo and you stayed. You chose to be there. You choose to love me consistently in silence, in wars, in those times that I feel like I am numb.

I am thankful for having you. I silently pray sometimes that if it's not you, then please take you away from me sooner. Because maybe in the next years or so; I might not be able to let you go even there's a gun pointed to my head.

The fate took us away from each other because I cannot love you the way you want to be loved. I don't know how to. It took more than my very soul and bones in that five years to learn how to win my wars. How to something worthwhile of your endless adoration.

I came back, I thought it was over. But I guess wrong. You are stupid upright and righteous idiot wait patiently for me to come around.

I sometimes want to be angry for letting you be that dumb when you can be so much wiser and change your mind about me.

But I scream in heaven over and over to speak my gratitude for having you.  For allowing you to be with me.

I can feel how your lips leave soft burn in my skin. Forever remnants of your deep love and adoration.

I yield to fate when I saw you crying your way to the car. I saw how softly you speak while crying to my mom. I saw how much you cried that night.

And that night, I was leaving to surrender all my resolve to make you stay... I thought you are going to march back there like you always do and convince me otherwise. But you didn't. And I am I am now grateful that you didn't.

Dahil baka mas masaktan kita kung bumalik ka. Na baka mas maiparamdam ko sa'yo na hindi ka madaling piliin. And I would forever hate myself knowing I inflicted the deepest pain in your soul.

You were the only person who bothers to ask me how do I want to be loved?

And I didn't tell you because you are doing it effortlessly as if loving me is like breathing for you.

How could you out of this world, Jag?

Bakit doon sa tanong na 'yon palagi na-ikot lahat ng tanong ko?

Maybe, because your mom and dad raised you to be the most gentle and kindest soul out there who knows how to love.

I thank your mom for bearing you and letting you be born in this world and be fated to see me in this lifetime and love this purely and heavenly.

Palagi nilang sinasabi na ang swerte mo daw sa'kin. Because I am this and that. Pero hindi nila alam na ako mas maswerte sa ating dalawa. Because who would put up with my war if hindi ikaw? Who would spoil me and let me whine? If it's not you. You loved those parts of me that you can possibly call ugly in all aspects.

You loved those parts gently. As if adoring something worthwhile. Walang pagpili sa'yo. You kissed all my battle scars, you whispered and even sang lullabies in deaf ears from battlefield. You held my broken soul and allow me to have one again by allowing me to have half of yours. You reminded me that my heart is capable of beating when I thought I lost it years ago.

You made me adore and love myself by loving me so much, Jag.

That's why I sneak my stare to watch you if you are really real and if you are totally willing to stay by my side.