The Sun Rays

TSR XLI: Melancholy

== Joshua Hong ==

"Idiot!" I heard a familiar voice spat on me. "You have been drinking constantly for the past months!" it was Jeonghan scolding me snatching the bottle from me. I can't focus because my head was aching too much and my chest was throbbing badly too. I will be knocked out in a few more bottles if I will continue to drink.

"Get up! Let's go home, imma! DK help him out," that was his frustration. Jeonghan was already frustrated because of his situation with his girlfriend who was apparently pregnant.

I don't want to see any of them here. I don't want them to see me like this that's the reason why I decided to get drunk far from home. Not minding if the media will get me caught.

"Hyung, jebal!" DK came assisting me to get up from my seat.

I cannot clearly see Jeonghan but he walks already must be waiting outside the tent now. "W-why did you come here?" I can barely utter words. They always come to fetch me which I hate the most for countless times already . "Yoouu coould have just left me here. I can take care of myself," I said when we reached the outside of the tent.

"Hyung please stop getting wasted. It's no longer healthy," I heard DK pleaded in concern. I know it's been so many months.

"It's the only time my heart, I forgot about the pain, DK. My heart aches. My heart aches!" I complained 'coz it does hurts. I felt like I was being ripped apart.

"Then why break up with her? You should talk to each other but you're a coward!" Jeonghan spat on me again.

"I know I was a jerk to do that," I told them coz I am indeed a jerk.

We broke up months ago and I guess she left me for good now.

"Damn you! I already told you to be strong and do not be like me but you are a coward!" Jeonghan was mad. I should have followed his instructions. I should have told them. I should have told them everything instead of battling it alone.

"I-I know! I-I know I'm a coward. I know bro," I can't help but cry now. I was sobbing through all the pain. I love her and I still do but she left me and I don't know where to even find her. "H-help me find her. Please! Help me find Vanessa!" I looked at DK and pleaded. I crouched down now and kneel. I felt so weak. My heart is throbbing in pain and my head feels like it was spinning until I can no longer see the light.

I passed out.

I woke up and feel the pain in my head but also felt the emptiness – again. I broke up with her because I needed to.

I broke up with her and I felt the agony inside my chest now. Vane is not someone for me, she's special. She's my everything. Everyday I wasn't with her feels like a curse. Seeing the sun in the daylight reminds me of her and at night, seeing the moon reminds me of Luan.

How can I live like this? how can I go through the days when I know I broke a promise to never hurt her. I broke my promise to be with her all through the challenging times. How can I live when I know that I hurt her?

Did she move on from me now?

I felt a tear escape my eyes and immediately wipe it away. "Hyung," I heard someone entering my room. "Here you go. Soup for your hangover and medicine," It was DK who gladly offer it to me.

He put it down on the side table and then sat at the edge of the bed. "If love is this much, I guess I won't be able to do it again," he muttered and chuckled after.

I was bitter, yes but I won't let him think that way. "Sometimes, you have to sacrifice for the safety of your loved ones. It will hurt you a lot but it's more painful when you see them get hurt because of you. I can't bear that. I can't bear seeing her suffer and Luan too. I'd rather feel miserable than losing them permanently. I'd rather watch them from afar knowing they are safe," my voice almost cracked.