There were many times in my life that I doubted myself, or something... someone. I rarely put my full trust in someone, knowing I'd regret it afterwards.
Sure I somewhat trusted Frankie, Lewis and Jessie but that trust was different compared to the trust I had with say... Kyle.
Kyle and I were friends for a while and that just magically created a strong trust, I knew he trusted me because he's constantly told me things no one else new about him, like how he struggled to come to terms with his brother being gay. I showed my trust for him by being open with him as well, I wasn't as shy and awkward around him till our fourth year of friendship when I knew for a fact that I loved him.
Trust is such a abstract concept to me. I feel like it's easy to understand, to grasp but then you think about it alittle longer and realize it's confusing as hell, to me anyways.
I tried my best to not wear my heart on my sleeve, my emotions.. But it was hard, everytime Ashton would go in for a kiss, try and hold my hand, or hold me in anyway I would flinch away. Not because I was scared of him but because I was doubting him.
"....I think I do but then I rethink about everything, her, just stuff in general and then I think, yeah this isn't love."
I know we were just starting out but his words just cut my skin deeper then they should have. Did he not feel what I did? Was all his words lies? All the 'I really care about you's and 'you mean so much to me's not mean anything?
I mean I'm not asking him to be in love with me but... Well, yeah I guess that is what I'm asking for. It just stung... To hear the words.
But I should of knew this was coming, him not caring for me the way I did for him. I still couldn't decipher whether I was in love with him or if I liked him a lot.
But then again I felt like I know what I feel for him I'm just not going to admit it because he hasn't.
And this was the many reasons I never wanted to get into a relationship, all these complications and miscommunications.
I'm honestly surprised he hasn't questioned me, I've very much have been giving him the silent treatment for a week, with a few exceptions.
This again brings me to the realization that he really doesn't care for me, that he doesn't know me at all.
And he doesn't. He doesn't really know me, I think. But I don't know him either. This was stupid now that I think of it, this relationship. It was stupid to think we'd ever work.
I wipe under my eyes, a few tears escaping my eye. I grab my laptop and do the only logical thing to do right now, find an apartment.
I search apartments upon apartments till I find one near my work, it was a studio actually but nonetheless it looked pretty decent.
It had a rustic, industrial look to it but with a few decorations it'd be my new home.
I quickly type out a email, asking for them to get back to me as soon as possible.
"Knock knock." Ashton's voice startles me, he stands behind my door, his head peaking out.
"Yeah?" I mumble, discreetly wiping my eye with my long sleeve shirt, making as if I'm tired.
"What are ya doin'?" He asks, opening the door wider and standing in the doorframe.
"Blogging.." I shrug, staring at my laptop screen.
"Sounds exciting." He smiles at me and I nod, sighing. "Yeah."
Ashton stares at me the way he always stares at me. With an intensity that gets my palms sweating, heart racing.
I bite my lip, the silence and staring becoming awkward.
"Was there anything you needed?" I ask, hoping I didn't sound desperate for him to leave.
"No," he sighs. "Just wanted to see what your up to, I might go get drinks with the boys... Up for it?" He asks and I give him a soft smile.
"No thanks, I'm good.. Have fun." He smiles at me and begins walking towards me, thankfully I closed the apartment webpage.
He leans over the bed, lips in a pout.
"Can I get a kiss?"
My face instantly reddens and I give him a quick peck to his cheek. "Kat." He elongates, whining.
Ashton knows I won't kiss his lips so he dips his head closer to mine, nudging his nose with mine. His lips attach to mine, my mouth opening for him.
And this is how all the rethinking and doubts and stress about Ashton disappear into thin air, without a trace.
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I planned something that should be pretty good ;) as you can see something is already brewing. Happy reading! xx
