Always Okay | (Adopted By Elizabeth Olsen)

Chapter 44

Word Count: 4701

Lizzie's POV

I woke up early the next morning with Alexis still clinging to me in bed. She hasn't really let go of me since she woke up from her nap yesterday. Pretty much every moment since then she's needed to be touching in some way, it's like her new form of comfort. I don't mind her neediness, but at the same time, it does worry me. I do want her to be somewhat of a normal kid one day, which includes not being attached to her parent every moment of the day.

Once everyone left last night, I stayed up on the couch with Alexis, who was sleeping on me. I didn't really have any good reason why, but once I got thinking that's all I could do. I started thinking back a lot on the past and the things that had recently taken place over the past few days. A lot of it made me feel quite frustrated and angry at myself because of how easily I let Boyd slide on things. I just kept dismissing it as oh it's probably just a lot of changes or oh he'll grow up soon or one day it'll be easier. The tragic reality was that the futuristic, one-day crap wasn't ever gonna happen, with us I mean. It's not like waiting for him to 'grow up' was really an option. He's thirty-three for godsakes, he should know better and I gave him multiple opportunities to get it together. He's nearly eight years older than me, why couldn't he see these as problems also?

The more I got thinking back on the past the more I started to realize that I had been working so hard to balance my relationships with Boyd and Alexis that I haven't really been there for Alexis, at least not in the way a parent should be. I mean was physically there but not emotionally. There was always another thing pulling my attention a bit more or I'd be overfocused on the little details about things rather than just her. I'm starting to think I was a better parent when I was nineteen and that's saying a lot considering it's been many years. One would think that when you grow up, things get easier. You will have more experience, have more knowledge, more wisdom, but I'll tell you that's a goddamn lie. I've never been this ignorant of my actions. I mean I'm a compulsive overthinker. I overthink things I've said years ago in conversations I'm pretty sure the other person doesn't remember. And right now I barely take a second to think about how my actions might affect or impact Alexis, before acting. It's become the afterthought and she doesn't deserve that. I should've done better. I could've done better. Why wasn't I better?

Thinking back now, my nineteen-year-old self was so much more put together. She had a job, went to school full time, and paid for everything except her college classes. Courtesy of my parents, if I should even still call them that, they weren't particularly happy about my decision to accept custody of Alexis, which probably should've been my first red flag. But we reached a decision, they would pay for my college and give me a stipend of what it would cost to live in the dorms and I would pay for the rest. It was really hard in the beginning but thanks to some help from my sisters, who I made sure to pay back, in the end, we made it work. I did a lot of parenting and childhood PTSD research. I got her on a reasonable schedule, enrolled her into preschool, and even took her to playdates and her friends' birthday parties. Wow, never did I think I'd be jealous of my nineteen-year-old self, but right now I'm starting to think that she really had it all together. Maybe I should try to bring back some of that stuff, like the schedule and school possibly. If I remember correctly the school was recommended because you literally have to send kids to early education, or at least that's what they tell you to do if you want them to be successful in life. The schedule was a recommendation of my therapist and reinforced by her school, but I remember it helping her. She seemed more at ease seeing how the day was mapped out for her, so she knew what to expect in advance.

I glanced down at Alexis who still had a tight grip around my torso, but she looked to be in a deep asleep enough that if I moved a little she wouldn't notice. I pulled my phone off the charger and the nightstand on the side of the bed before opening my notes app with my free hand. One of my arms was still under Alexis's neck, so I made sure to be extra careful not to move too much. I started to draft an ideal schedule that we can hopefully work on building consistency with. The biggest problem is that we are supposed to be traveling a lot starting in late March, which will mess it up. But maybe if I can structure it loosely or adapt it a little for when we're on the road, she'll be okay? I mean I don't have anyone who could take care of her in the same capacity for literal months while I'm gone nor would I want to have to leave her for that long and I know she wouldn't want that either, judging by the hold she has on me right now.