Always Okay | (Adopted By Elizabeth Olsen)

Chapter 51

Word Count: 4525

Lizzie's POV

Today we are in London for a few days of press and the premiere before continuing onto another city. This tour all ends with a world premiere in LA and can I say that I'm looking forward to being home. I love traveling and I love seeing the world, but I also miss the days when I can just sit around and spend time with Alexis.

She's been quite a trooper throughout this whole press tour. I did take time to explain to her that I may not be around as much as she's used to which I think helped some because she seems to be doing okay at least to everyone else she is. She's talking a lot more, opening up to the cast as a whole, and even going on mini-adventures with them. A few days ago in between sessions, she went with some of the guys and Cobie to get ice cream. And on the plane ride over here, she spent about half an hour talking to Chris Evans about time traveling and how switching time zones are kind of similar.

To me though, I feel like she's still holding back, and I'm assuming it has to do with my lack of time. That sounds arrogant but we rarely have any more alone time and when we do it's nighttime, so I'm way more focused on getting her to sleep than getting her to talk. We've been in about four different time zones and although Alexis doesn't show it, I know it's been hard on her. I feel bad that I'm not around as much as I wish I was. I can't be there for her like I feel I should be, which makes me worry more causing both of us to have exhaustingly long days.

Everyone else on the cast who has kids also has a significant other, who can watch their children during business trips like these. But I don't and my kid spends all day with my management team, more often than I want to admit to myself. I don't miss Boyd like I used to but I do dwell on his empty space, the place in my life that he once held. I don't regret breaking up with Boyd, I know that was the right decision. We weren't right for each and I couldn't handle the way he treated Alexis. But I guess some days I wish I had someone to help balance the work and get rid of this guilty feeling. Every parent wants to give their child the world, but when they hit that limit, it's an unpleasant feeling. One I've grown to be quite familiar with but wish I wasn't. 

Some days it's like I'm slowly watching her pull away from me but not in the ways one would imagine. It's not that she isn't sharing, she's just not sharing the big things. The things a mother should know. She's a lot more conversational and willing to weigh in occasionally when we're with a group of people but I feel like there's a lot more she wants to say. It's like she's adapted her walls to fit the new social norms and it makes me uneasy. She's building this wall of perfectionism, where everything seems great and I'm starting to not be able to recognize what's growth and what's adaptability. The worst part is I rarely have one on one time with her to talk about it, especially because I know she won't share with my management team present.

Right now I'm putting the finishing touches on my makeup while Alexis finishes up her online class. There's about an eight-ish hour time difference between LA and London so she's already done all the work and now just listening to the lecture or whatever it is they do in class. Since I have a couple of late-afternoon and early evening interviews, Alexis is staying with my manager until I get back.

Today felt long and it's still dragging on. I've only been able to be with Alexis for breakfast and right now, which is starting to become increasingly frustrating. I love my job and this is something I hope to do forever, but it's moments like today at lunch that I wish I had chosen something else. Since my meetings were running late, I had to skip the lunch I had planned with Alexis and rush right into dress fittings. This meant that not only did I have to miss another moment with her, but she had to eat lunch by herself. My team was primarily focused on me and while I know someone kept an eye on Alexis, I couldn't help but feel like a shitty parent.