His Light

I want it to be over

TW OVERDOSING⚠️

Lilac's Pov

It's been a few weeks since I lost my child. My body feels empty because a part of me is missing.

I am sitting in the corner of my room, with it being completely dark, the curtains closed, not letting any light in, everything untouched, except my broken heart being shattered.

I've been staring into this empty and cold room all the time, not knowing what to do from now on. Not even crying seems to make me feel any better, I feel guilty. Mostly for having neglected my baby, and also for neglecting Alex.

But I can't handle the loss of my child. I can't, I just fucking can't...it feels like something is missing, as if my heart was torn apart and put together with missing pieces. I don't feel whole.

Everything is my fault, and I should have died, it's my fault that I ended up pregnant, it's my fault my baby girl died.

I caused everything. I should have killed myself from the start, but maybe today is the day I will finally succeed.

But I had to make that mistake, the day I met Aiden for the first time, so everything could lead to the other thing. So, I simply caused the death of my own baby.

My baby, my so precious little baby girl, left too soon.

And because of who? Right, just because of her horrible mother, me, who was not able to protect her.

I loved her so much without even seeing her, I loved her the moment I only knew about her.

I had her so fragile and small body in my arms, her eyes closed with a heart that stopped beating. I wanted to hold her close and never let go of her, but the moment I felt her small body grow cold, I was so scared for her, wanting to warm her back up, kiss her so she would open her beautiful eyes.

The similarity she had with Alex was even terrifying, she just looked like him, they were almost identical.

If we wouldn't have lost her, she would've grown up into the female version of her dad.

Her tiny arms, hands, her small nose, those little feet, they were so adorable that it broke my heart more that I had to let her go.

Her face was breathtakingly beautiful, but I lost her, I lost my baby girl.

How can I live with myself now? How can I be so selfish and let my baby alone in the dark with no hand to hold? What would she do without me, someone needs to be there for her.

It hurts, everything hurts. I want it to stop.

I stopped talking to Alex, not because I blame him - even when I said those hurtful things - but simply because I want him to move on.

I caused the death of our baby, and I am to blame. And I am willing to end everything here and now just to be with my baby, to spare Alex the weight and problems I put on him, to end being a burden to everyone.

I want this pain to end, I want everything to end, because it hurts like hell.

I am so sorry for treating Alex this way for the past few weeks. He always tries to talk to me, he always tries to comfort me, no matter what I say or do.

I even threw the promise ring he gave me, that was so precious to me, at him, acting as if I didn't care.

But the moment he gave me that promise ring I truly knew that we belonged together and now I am destroying everything we've had built together, all the moments we had together I am demolishing every piece of beautiful and meaningful moments we had together.