His Light

Two lines

Lilac's POV

We are sitting on the bench with the view towards the ocean, our cliff that was not only Alex's  favorite spot but also mine now.

Close by was the grave of my first-born daughter. Alex wanted her to have a special place where we also would pass from time to time, so she wouldn't feel 'alone' how he always calls it.

Her funeral was something that happened in a rush, after I couldn't cope with it and because Alex wanted to help me. So there wasn't a "proper" funeral. 

I never really like to get too close to her grave, because I have so many emotions bottled up, I wouldn't know how to handle it.

I still feel guilty about her death, and the thought eats me alive. She's such a cute baby, and all I did was being not careful enough, causing her death.

I was leaning against Alex's chest watching the ocean from above.

I had so many mixed emotions whether I am a good person or bad, whether I make good decisions or bad.

Sometimes pain and sadness seem to suffocate me in way I never thought possible, but while there is sadness, I believe that there must always be happiness in some ways.

And Alex is my happiness even though we have our ups and downs, even though I am sensitive and emotionally unstable in some ways, but I always have suffered from it, since childhood, and with the medication it feels like it's increasing. Another reason why I don't want to continue the treatment to become pregnant.

I hate being so difficult to deal with.

"Alex, do you think I am a bad person" I asked him suddenly.

"What kind of question is that?" he asked irritated.

"Never mind" I muttered, feeling bad. Why do I always ruin good moments.

"Lilac...you know I didn't mean it like that." He said, holding me by my chin from behind and making me look upwards so I was meeting his eyes.

"You damn well know you are not a bad person; you just go through rough times, and I told it every time; it is okay to feel that way."

"But you seem irritated with me..." I stated, studying his icy blue eyes.

"I'm sometimes just confused, but is nothing personal, I just can't get my head around the fact, why you often think of yourself so lowly. Because I never saw you that way, and I never could."

"Sorry, I think I am still feeling restless and overwhelmed about everything... and the medication."

"It's alright my angel" he stated kissing my lips passionately and turning back towards the view, hugging me close.

Suddenly his phone buzzed startling me.

"Just a message, love. Relax."

I just kept on watching the view, trying to calm my feelings.

I felt Alex tense. Abruptly turning around, frantically watching our surroundings now.

He shot up, holding me behind him, pulling his gun out.

"Stay close behind me, and don't you dare to get even a little out of my shadow." He started walking, and I walked close behind, we passed the small grave of our daughter, that was completely surrounded by flowers. Walking carefully and suspiciously through the forest towards Alex's car. I gripped his shirt tightly from behind, not knowing what was going on while my heart was stammering against my chest.

"We will talk in the car" he said lowly, and I nodded against his back.

We walked on the short way felt now like miles. I was looking around, watching Alex move on.