Behind The Red Curtain | YiZhan ✓

1-Where His Heart Belonged

"Don't spend time on things which you will never get." That's what his mother used to tell him.

Wasting time is reality, and one should not be absent of its existence. Otherwise it would be defined as "ignorance" or merely, plain stupidity.
Knowing that time is short and valuable, one should spend it wisely. You should do what's within your abilities. You should always strive for good things. You should be a good man. You, must never waste time and continue to look forward.

Obviously, those words were nothing but fairy tale's to him, not having any significance whatsoever.

So he disobeyed his mother. He started spending time on things he never got to have.
First it was the class pet. He had always wanted one at home, yet his mother was against it. So he did what he had to. When it was his turn to look after it, he opened the cage door and let the creature roam onto the empty streets of his neighbourhood, only for it to end up dead.
As the small animal squirmed in pain after being run over by a car, its limbs and legs twitching, the boy couldn't help the smile from forming on his lips. He felt happy that day, he could remember that at least. But the rest was blurry with the cries of his classmates, pinning the fault on him to make him feel guilty and bad.
But he didn't feel those things. Instead, he felt pleased to see that they weren't going to have a pet just like he was never going to have one either. But was that all there was to it? Now noone had a pet.
He got bored and left the class, mumbling to himself. "Sorry mother. I wasted time." And only after saying those words did he realise that he felt empty. Like an abyss, almost.

The second time happened when he was at high school. He had a lovely girlfriend whom he loved and cared for. And so did she. They were happy.
But one day he caught her with another boy kissing, and decided to confront her about it. Yet she was in complete denial upon hearing the "accusation", calling it absurd and became angry.
So he went and found the boy she was cheating with and had a simple talk.
Later, his girlfriend heard that that boy had been hospitalized with a concussion on his head, and will never be able to talk again.
She ended up breaking up with him, leaving with a terrible fear in her eyes.
Yet after she left, he realized once more, that he felt nothing. His heart was still empty with no emotion attached. He thought he would feel sad or angry at least, but there was nothing. It was almost as if what he believed he had felt all this time was a lie. He had never been in love with her. So that's why it didn't hurt. And that's when he realized it.
"I wasted time again..."

But the third time was diffrent.

He had never thought that he would feel an attraction towards a man, but he was also never the one who questioned his sexuality. He never really cared about the "vessel", finding it uninteresting. To him, it was simply the facade of human being, acting as nothing more than a shield to obscure what was behind its perfect existence.
But when he met him, that did not seem to be the case. His eyes reflected exactly what his heart would think, and his gestures would be the definition of pleasantry. He liked watching him sit at first, observing his every gesture, his every action. Even the way he would drink water was pleasant to the eyes, making his throat dry at the sight at times.

Later, his feelings of curiosity grew as they exchanged their very first words. It was right before the entertainment show which they were about to attend. The scene had taken place right behind the stage, making it more enticing than it should've been. Now that he thought back on it, maybe it was all in his imagination.

"I'm Xiao Zhan. Hope we get along." His first impression of him was that his voice was less deeper than his. Yet it was pleasant to the ears, sounding more mellow in his head. His lips were wet as he spoke at the time, indicating that he had licked them. He then knew that he was nervous, making his lips curl up unintentionally.
He remembered his manager telling him afterwards that this had been the first time he had smiled to someone whom he had just met. The thought had excited him, making his heart skip a beat. He held his chest, curious of what that was. So the second time he got to meet him, he decided to test it out.