Behind The Red Curtain | YiZhan ✓

9-Eyes Blinded By Pain, Heart Lost In Pleasure

It was cold. His naked body shivered under the harness, his nipples becoming hard as the straps rubbed onto them with every move he made. It wasn't pleasure that he seeked, but the pain that caused it.

He remembered when he was still a five year old boy, peaking from his room door to find his father bring a new woman in. The next day it was another... and the other, a diffrent one. Yet every time they came in his house, they went with smiles on their faces. He thought that they were maybe happy to have spent some time with his father, never having the mind to question the bruises around their wrists and necks. Somehow, he had always thought that they were normal. So whenever he would get bruises from falling or getting hit, he would think nothing of it.

He had normalized getting hurt at some point, the feeling of pain subsiding from his body, like a flame that flickered its last breath under a deep, dark moon.

When he was at the age of fourteen did he began to realize that he was not like other people. He would see them wince when hurt, scream when in pain and cry when bleeding. Yet when he would get hurt, hit or even get cut, he could never react in such ways. It was peculiar, making his curiosity burn like a bright sun.

So he began to research to find out what was "wrong" with him, altough he had never seen it that way.
He could feel the pain, that was not the problem. His nerves were just in their right places, his brain working just fine. But the infliction of it was making him feel somehow restless- which he had realized soon after entering the age of seventeen.
That restlessness soon turned into wanting to feel more. The thought of it pointed him at diffrent directions, yet none of them answered his questions.

That is until he met someone. He was a kind guy, someone he'd gotten to know back in university. They hung out every night at his dorm room, and watched various movies together. That is until, one night he decided to bring in an r-rated one.
Zhan became curious too and decided to give it a try, completely ignoring that it was his first time ever to see such a thing.

Both him and his friend had flushed cheeks after that, looking at each other with questioning eyes.
His friend had come out of his way to ask if he had liked it, the conversation later leading into what kind of releationships they'd like to be in.

Zhan was unsure, never having thought to be in one. Meanwhile his friend was more than clear about what he wanted, even boasting about how good he'd be at it at times. "I'd really like a dom-sub kinda releationship ya know? The kind where someone becomes submissive for me. Altough i wouldn't mind becoming so either..."

He had repeated that word a couple hundred times that night before searching it up online. He had learned that it was a releationship between two partners, one taking the role of a dominant and the other submissive. The submissive one was usually the one who gave in to the dominant's requests or "orders", only to be rewarded with pleasure. It was sort of like a roleplay and he had found that to be quiet interesting. But the part that had him amazed most, was the "play". This releationship was built upon BDSM, meaning "bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, sadism and masochism".

All those roles had one thing in common. Pain. And he couldn't find the words to express his gratitude to ever finding this information.
The next thing was, he had found himself in bed with his first ever partner, curious of how it'd go.

His partner was confident in himself, ready to make him feel pain in pleasure.

But Zhan had strict rules. One, was to never engage in any sexual activity unless asked by the sub. He was not interested in intercourse, and decided to keep it that way until this day.
Two, was to never kiss. He found it uncomfortable to do with an unknown person, let alone someone he cared so little for, and his father had always told him to keep his lips for the person he loved most. And judging by how disciplined his father was, he had no courage to ever break that promise, leading him to how he was now. And three, was to never, ever, be in an intimate releationship with his partners.
Because every time he would try to engage in one, he would be reminded of his father's' late night affairs, making him nauseous to the point of throwing up. To subside that feeling, he became numb to the thought of love, and let it disperse in his mind.