Behind The Red Curtain | YiZhan ✓

30-A Heartbreak Worth A Thousand Deaths

"You cannot control your heart, if you find what you desire the most. Let it be something as simple as an attraction, or a gluttonous need, or the most complicated of them all, love. Feelings can never be controlled. Because if you try, then you will end up feeling a heartbreak worth a thousand deaths. " It was one of the lines his father had told him when a little boy, not too young, not too old. But it was at a time when he had understood the state of having a desire.

Although he had never been aware of what he really wanted, he knew that it could be awakened through the infliction of pain. He had never committed something as delirious as self harm, since he was in search of the essence, of feeling an emotion in his heart. An emotion so strong, that he would be controlled by it in the blink of an eye.

He wondered why he had been so curious by it back then, when now he had realised just how painful it can be.

That emotion was called love, a hurtful, painful, and an agonising feeling, making one loose all sense at its presence. All being different words, with the same meaning.

He had never thought that once he found it, he would be running away from it, in hopes of being freed of it. So he slammed the door on Yibo's face before running out. His attempt to put his clothes on while on the run was difficult as it was, topped with struggling to find his way through his blurry vision covered with tears. As he passed the counter where Hu Li was behind at, Yibo caught up to him and grabbed him by the arm. "Please- don't go.. i just-"

Zhan threw his hand off by swinging his arm and turned to face him before yelling at his face. "You just what? You want to apologise? Is that it? That won't fix anything! That won't fix the fact that we had sex!"

He then punched him on the chest and sobbed. "That won't change the fact that you lied to me!" He threw another punch after, wanting to engrave his words into his heart. "You... you idiot... i hate this.."

Yibo's heart throbbed in pain as he tried to hold his hand, but it was to no avail as Zhan punched his chest once more. "When i gave you consent... i didn't give it to you... not to you... so don't touch me.. YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO TOUCH ME!"

The latter fell down on his knees, his face blank. He wanted to speak, but didn't know what to say, he wanted to apologise, but knew that he wouldn't forgive him just like that. He wanted to tell him of his heart, but as he looked up to see the look in his eyes, he knew, that he would never accept him.

Zhan wiped his tears away with his hand as he looked down and held his chest. "I will never forgive you." He then raised his head up to glance at Hu Li and frowned. "None of you."

Just like that he left the bar, knowing in his mind that he was never going to return back. This place was filled with the filthy memories of being lied to, betrayal, hatred, and the most painful of all, a heartbreak.

His father had been right when he meant it, that he would suffer a thousand deaths upon a heartbreak caused by the one person he cared most for.

He hated how he had to face this, just to be reminded of how shit it made him feel. Was it all really in vain? Was all he had been feeling until now, just an illusion? Had he mixed up the feelings of attraction with love?

No matter how many times he stupidly questioned it in his mind, he knew very well what his heart felt. He knew of his feelings, so he had to run. But his awareness of how numb it was making him feel was almost completely gone, stripping him of his five senses as he walked onto the midnight streets.

It wasn't soon after, when he heard the screeching sounds of tires, followed by the deafening horn.

When he thought about it know, he guessed that his carelessness was caused by his stupidity, when really, he had been just too heartbroken to care about his well being at all.