Who You Are

Chapter 2 - An Insufferable Truth

Lan Wangji had sat there for a few hours just holding his husband close to him as he slept on him. He always had a joy watching Wei Wuxian sleep. He always looked so peaceful, and as always he looked cute. A lot of times in his sleep, Wuxian would have a habit of sticking out his bottom lip, as if he was pouting. Wangji already found Wuxian to be cute and adorable, but seeing him asleep like that was even more so. He couldn't get enough of it either. As he sat there hold him, it also gave him time to think on just what type of questions he needed to ask him. He wanted to know what was wrong. Wangji had a feeling it had something to do with him being away too much, but he also felt there was something else.

Just thinking about all his time doing things for other sects and his own, he couldn't even spend a proper amount of time with Wuxian. He was away so much and thinking he never noticed Wuxian being upset, hurt his own heart. Knowing he was in pain, pained him. It was no secret that Wei Wuxian had such a big impact on Lan Wangji. His entire life changed because of Wuxian. He fell in love with the man the day he first saw him. His smile drew him in instantly. Seeing Wuxian in tears was unbearable to say the least. As he sat there pondering his faults, Wuxian started to stir a little in his lap.

"Mmm," Wuxian moaned softly as he opened his eyes.

Lan Zhan placed a kiss on Wuxian's forehead, "hey sleepy head," Lan Wangji whispered causing Wuxian to look up at him, "how are you feeling?"

Wuxian slowly sat up, "I don't know how to answer that," he told him.

"I know I haven't been around and have been neglectful towards you, and I am very sorry, Wei Ying," Lan Wangji told him, "I took this afternoon and tomorrow off to spend time with with you. I know I can't make up for it right away, but I hope you will allow me to try."

Wei Ying shook his head, "I can't blame you for that, Lan Zhan," he said in response, "you have important duties to do now that you are Chief Cultivator. I knew that when you took the position. I am just dealing with my own personal issues at the moment. It has nothing to do with you at all. You also know I am not one to talk about it or open up about my problems."

Wangji sighed, "we are married now, and we are to love and support each other, through the good and the bad. I know it's something to get used to, but you can open up to me. I will not judge you for anything you have to say. I just want you to be happy. Seeing you upset hurts me on the inside, and I go back to thinking that I am not doing a good job as a partner," he explained.

"Lan Zhan, you are a great partner, it is just that I think I'm not being a good partner to you," Wuxian said.

"Why do you say that? I think you are an amazing partner," Lan Wangji told him rubbing his back.

Wuxian swallowed a large pool of spit as he tried to choke back tears, "For the longest time, I've felt as if I don't belong anywhere. My parents died when I was young and I was taken into Lotus Pier. When I first arrived, I already knew I couldn't think of it as home. Between Madam Yu and Uncle Jiang arguing that usually has me as the main topic, and Jiang Cheng constantly trying to berate me any chance he could, I didn't fit in. I was even treading so lightly as to not ask for anything in return as I thought I didn't want to be a burden to the Jiang's. I always felt that one wrong move and I would get kicked out."

Lan Wangji just sat there letting Wuxian speak freely. He knew that Wuxian needed to get these things out of his mind. He has held onto them for so long that they just bare a weight on his shoulders. Though he just sat there, he held onto Wuxian, rubbing by his back in comfort to let him know that he was there.

"I'm going to try to say this next part as kindly as possible but I am sorry if I don't do a good job," he said.

"Just let it out, I wouldn't be offended or upset," Wangji told him, "I want you to get all this out. You deserve to empty your mind of all your thoughts that weigh you down."

Wei Ying nodded, "the day before leaving Lotus Pier to Gusu for lectures when we first met. I had been brought to Madam Yu's discipline room. She 'gave' me a taste of what would happen if I didn't behave while I was there..." Wuxian explained and paused for a moment trying to again, choke back tears, "I was given eight lashes from Zidian that day."

Wangji was holding his breath as Wuxian continued to speak, "The Alcohol I tried to sneak in, I wasn't actually going to drink it...it was the strongest alcohol so it was able to help clean the lash marks...but one broke and the other, I just drank to get rid of it. I was already in trouble anyway, so I didn't care what happened after that."

Wangji removed his hand from Wuxian's back and covered his face with his hands. Wangji couldn't believe what he just heard. He broke the rules for a reason, and Wangji wouldn't hear him out or let him be. He didn't know then but now that he did, he felt terrible.

He then felt Wuxian grab his wrists and remove his hands from his face, "don't be hard on yourself. I didn't tell you so you can guilt trip yourself or make you feel bad. I know it was something I should have shared back then...maybe things would have been different back then."