Who You Are

Chapter 4 - Too Much Trauma

Wuxian was not yet content with not being in pain anymore. He kept it to himself, but he felt that pain was a punishment for him. He deserved that pain. He had done so many sinful things that the pain was the only thing that kept a constant reminder of them all. He didn't sleep well that night knowing that his insufferable pain was gone. He should feel relieved to be out of pain, but he wasn't. He felt guilty that he wasn't in pain anymore.

As it was late at night, Wuxian didn't want to wake Wangji, so he carefully crawled out of their bed without waking him and moved to the furthest and darkest corner of the room. He sat there in a ball with his knees to his chest and his face in his knees. He knows his suffering should end but he can't let everything go. That guilt deep inside of him won't go away. He wanted to talk about his suffering so he can potentially move on, but he then thought that this suffering was another punishment and he deserved it. Since his physical pain was gone, he had to stick with emotional pain to make him feel like he deserved it. He was so lost in his guilt that he didn't realize his sobbing had woken up Wangji.

"Wei Ying?" Lan Zhan asked as he moved his hand to light a few candles to see him better, "what's wrong?"

Wuxian shook his head and tried to look away from Wangji as he knelt down in front of him. Wangji didn't allow him to look away, as he held onto his face with his hands. Wangji looked deep into his lover's eyes and he could still see pain, but it wasn't physical, it was emotional. Wangji lifted him off the floor, holding him close to his chest as he went to sit comfortably back down on the bed. He placed a hand on Wuxian's head, and the other around his waist. Wangji wanted him to talk, but he knows it's hard for him.

"Please talk to me," Wangji said in a whisper.

"I know this sounds terrible, but I wish she didn't seal my passage ways or container. I deserved to be in pain," he mumbled into his husband's chest.

Wangji couldn't believe what he was hearing. Wei Ying wants to be be in pain? That was the most harsh and hurtful thing he had ever heard Wei Wuxian say about himself. If he said he wished for death, then he knows that Wei Ying is really in the dark and he needs help. Wangji had tears forming in his eyes as he held onto him tighter. He made sure not to suffocate the man, but he wanted to hold him so firmly and comfortably, that he wants Wei Ying to know he is there and he doesn't deserve this suffering.

"Please don't say such things, Wei Ying," Wangji pleaded, "you deserve to be happy. Your name has been cleared and you have nothing to be guilty of. You have to know that you don't deserve to be this way."

"I can't do this anymore, Lan Zhan!" Wei Ying said sobbing into Wangji's chest, "I killed so many people, and I failed so many people. I have done so many terrible things that I can't forget or forgive myself for. I'm so tired, I'm so, so, soo, tired."

This was what Wangji was afraid of, "I am here," he said to him calmly, "if you want to sleep, then sleep. I will be here when you wake up. You are not alone anymore, Wei Ying. Remember you have me, a husband who loves and cares about you very much."

Wei Ying couldn't speak anymore, as he was just crying way to hard. The loud crying had caused Baoshan to come in as she heard him from another room nearby.

"What happened?" She asked sitting beside them.

"He is hurting," Wangji informed, "emotionally. His trauma is too much right now. He feels he deserves to be in pain and feels guilty," Wangji was now shedding tears as he didn't know what to do other than to comfort his husband.

"Here," Baoshan said holding a small pill in her hand, "this will help him relax so he can sleep. He just needs rest, to talk about things, and support. He needs us to be there and be strong for him to help him through this. I have prepared everything for the others to be here. If you want, I can keep you two away from them all. Maybe separate you with a barrier so they can see you but you can see them. It might be of use," Baoshan put the pill in Wuxian's mouth and he was asleep within a few minutes.

Wangji nodded, "I like that idea. It would give us a chance to know just exactly what others think of all this."

"I do have a surprise for him though, I brought some people back, for him and for you," she informed him.

"What do you mean?" Wangji asked.

"During the showing, I will have three barriers set, one for the current sects and leaders, one for you and A'Ying...Probably me as well, and a third for some special guests. Those guests, I won't say who they are but when you see them, I'll let you decide if you want to have them with you or not," Baoshan explained.

Wangji nodded, "thank you," he said.

"I do have to ask, are you doing okay?"

Wangji looked at her, "I am just worried for Wei Ying. I feel like I am failing as a husband."

"You cannot blame yourself for being hard at work," she told him, "you have been trying to keep things balanced, but some things are just super easy for A'Ying to mask. He has just reached his breaking point now. If things are too much, hand the Chief Cultivator status to someone else. If there is someone current you trust with the job, you can hand it to them."

"I could hand it to my brother and just focus on the sect, take over as sect leader. Just swap roles...but I'm not sure if he is ready to move on from his pain yet either. He was betrayed by a dear friend of his and he is taking it pretty hard," Wangji explained.

"He just needs some time as well, maybe someone to talk to," Baoshan told him, "people these days, is there no one people seek out to vent and clear the air anymore?"

"All those people who used to are dead because of Jin Guangyao, Su She, and one other cultivator named Xue Yang," Wangji explained.

"Things will change soon," Baoshan said.

"Wei Ying is still trying to calm down after Xue Yang's encounter. One of your disciples, Xiao Xingchen, was killed by him. Wei Ying took it a bit hard. He didn't say so, but I noticed."

"He died?" Baoshan asked, "his partner?"

"He is wandering around, he has a little piece of Xingchen's spiritual cognition and hopes to see him again someday. But because of Xue Yang, Xingchen was driven to suicide. It is hard to say if Xingchen would want to return."

Baoshan nodded, "let me take care of that," she told him, "since A'Ying is resting now, you should go back to sleep now."

Wangji nodded, "thank you so much for the talk," he said to her.

"Of course, you are my grandson-in-law...feel free to call me Zumu. Huh?"

Wangji smiled at her and nodded again. Once she left, Wangji carefully laid Wuxian more comfortably on the bed and snuggled up to him, turning the candle lights out before falling back to sleep.