Who You Are

Chapter 75 - Lan Wangji's Suffering

**Mature Content; read with caution, sensitive topics within this chapter**
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When Lan Wangji woke up the following morning, his body hurt everywhere. His head, his back, and his chest. A pounding sensation, burning, and stinging. Lan Wangji found himself crying. He didn't know if he was crying because of how miserably in pain he was, or if it was because he was just so tired and broken he had to cry.

Lan Xichen was tending to the whip marks on Wangji's back. Lan Wangji did not say anything. All he did was rest there on his stomach with his arms folded under his chin, and stared at his sons. He cried for them, he cried for being a miserable father, a terrible father. He even began to question if he was even going to be okay...to live through all of this grief and pain.

"Wangji, I know you won't want to talk about it, but how much more are you willing to make your body suffer?" Lan Xichen asked, "you have two infants here who are relying on you. How can you be their father if you can't get your act together."

Lan Wangji shook his head and buried his face into his arms. He cried and cried. He took his brother's scolding. He took the pain, he took the punishments he was given. Now, he felt alone. Even with his uncle, his brother, the sect and his two sons, he felt alone.

"J-j-just take car-re of the tw-wi-ins, Ge-Ge," Wangji sobbed, "ju-ju-just Le-l-let me d-di-die!"

Lan Xichen froze in his place. His brother, his little brother, the man who so many people called righteous and honorable, was completely broken. He was in so much physical and emotional trauma, he can't stand to live anymore. Lan Xichen was now very worried. He did not want his brother to fall down that dark path, follow that path which so many people go and have a hard time getting out of. His brother was depressed and has hit rock bottom.

"Wangji," Xichen said kneeling down so he was now face to face with him, "please don't say something like that. I love you, Didi, I want you to know that I'm here. I don't want you to think that death is your only way out of all of this suffering...we were unable to help Wei Wuxian, but I am going to help you...so please, stay strong for me, and stay strong for your sons."

...

Wei Ying turned to straddle his husband's lap and placed his face into the crook of his neck as he hugged him tightly. Wei Ying didn't like hearing Lan Wangji say that. He now knows what it's like for Wangji to here him say he doesn't want to live...it's hard to hear, and he doesn't want to see him take his life, or even consider it. Wei Ying cried into Lan Wangji's neck.

"I'm so sorry," Wei Ying mumbled through his cries, "don't say that, don't leave me."

Lan Wangji wrapped his arms firmly around Wei Ying, "I was in a dark place back then. I am now in a good state of mind and I promise you, I will not leave you. I'm sorry for you having to see this and hear it all."

Wei Ying continued to sob into his neck. Wei Ying placed his left hand on the back of Wangji's head and tangled his fingers gently into his hair. Lan Wangji did what Wei Ying did, placing his hand in the back of Wei Ying's head and tangled his finger in his hair.

...

"I-I d-don't n-no if I c-can," Wangji sobbed.

Lan Xichen sat there for a while just trying to comfort his brother. He calmed down eventually, "I'm sorry I snapped at you," Xichen told him, "I didn't mean to make you upset. I just don't want to wake up one morning and you are gone."

"I deserve all this pain," Lan Wangji said calmly now that he is no longer crying, "I failed Wei Ying."

"You think you deserve pain because you feel like you failed?" Lan Xichen asked.

"Mmm."

Xichen sighed, "you did not fail. You tried the best you could within your abilities. If you love him, and he loves you, he wouldn't want you to treat yourself this way. Plus, look at these cute boys of yours. They are something special and to look forward to seeing everyday."

Wangji looked at his sleeping babies, "for babies, they are sure calm," Wangji stated quietly.

"I've noticed that," Xichen said, "but I'm sure one of them will have Wei Wuxian's personality."

"Betting isn't tolerated here but want to anyway?" Lan Zhan asked.

"Bet which one is more like you and the other to be like Wei Wuxian?"

Lan Wangji nodded, "looking at them both, I'm doing to say, even if they both have our personalities, Sizhui will be more relaxed like me."

"You know, looking at them, I am agreeing with you," Xichen said, "so not really a bet. It's just that Jingyi looks as if he is going to cause mischief."

...

"Hey!" Jingyi spat, "you guys actually compared us so early on?"

"Yes," Lan Zhan answered, "and I still rest my case...you are too much one your Baba, in a good way though...you just have less of a filter on that mouth of yours."

"So I'm not as good as Sizhui?" Jingyi asked.

"You both are good in your own way," Wei Ying spoke up, "Sizhui is smart and has good leadership skills. You, Jingyi, you have good memory, and your martial arts are really well performed. You both have that side from your A-Die, smart, talented, and good memory. With me, I say you both have a great smile and are friendly and out going...like me."

"You both are creative and talented in your own way. Twins usually have a lot of similarities, but they to also have their differences. You both just need to figure it out for yourselves," Lan Zhan explained.

The boys smiled at their parents and nodded.

...

"What did I do last night?" Lan Wangji asked his brother.

"I only know you drank some wine and branded yourself...you told me you were closer to Wei Wuxian with it," Lan Xichen answered.

"I'm sorry," Wangji said, "since I brought alcohol inside Cloud Recesses, am I going to be punished?"

"I say just focus on bettering yourself and spend this much needed time with your sons," Xichen told him, "I feel it's the best thing for you. Rebuild yourself and learn to be a parent."

Wangji nodded, "I will be there for my boys. I don't want them to live without either of their parents...I may be suffering right now...but I will get over it eventually I guess."

"That's all I need to hear, is they you will try," Xichen said, "and I will be with you to help you and guide you."

"Thank you."

Wangji nodded and relaxed back down in the bed on his stomach to rest.