Who You Are

Chapter 44 - A Need For Comfort

'Lan Zhan, I'm sorry. I can only push you away. I am tainted in darkness. I can't taint your pureness with my darkness.'

...

Those thoughts from Wei Wuxian echoed within the room. Lan Zhan looked at his husband on the other side of the room.

'That's why you pushed me away?' He asked himself, 'you didn't want to taint me? My hands were already tainted with blood. My sins are just as dark. I'm not as pure as you seem to think of me as.'

Lan Zhan wanted to tell him that. He wanted to scream that at the top of his lungs. He thought he'd share that with him later. He needed to know that Lan Zhan has sins of his own. Everyone does. Some not as dark but they are still sins.

...

When they arrived at the camp Wei Wuxian was brought near to one of the tents where his shijie was tending a cultivator. Wei Ying's heart was racing in his chest as his pulse filled his ears making his head pound. It felt like soldiers were marching in his fingers making them twitch as his pulse ran wild, approaching his sister with cautiousness.

He'd missed her so much.

He'd missed her so much it hurt.

"Shijie..." He almost whined, wanting to collapse to his knees and wail and cry for her to hold him and hide him with her long sleeves.

He wanted to hide.

Jiang Yanli took a deep breath in, her little brother was still painfully numb, so numb it made her feel like she couldn't breathe, but even the tiniest bits of feeling were so powerful, "Oh Xianxian... my Xianxian, Shijie will protect you from now on... " She said softly, her smile heard through her silky voice. It was so gentle, treating him so delicately, it sounded almost fairy-like.

Wei Ying smiled slightly, looking forward to curling up and making himself tiny before letting her hug him and hide him in her embrace. It would be nice to feel protected once more.

A few seconds after the hug Jiang Yanli quickly went to check Wei Wuxian, "A-Cheng get him to our tent," she said worriedly.

Jiang Cheng motioned the younger to follow him and Wei Wuxian did "What happened while I was gone?" He asked the older.

Jiang Cheng shrugged "Nothing much, just slowly trying to rebuild lotus pier, gathering an army, taking down supervisory offices around, We only have Wen Ruohan to deal with"

Wei Wuxian nodded in understanding.

Grinning just a little as he was rushed inside, Wei Ying allowed Yanli to sit him down even if her touch made his skin sting. It hurt to be touched, truly, it hurt. When everything had shattered and been stuck back together by resentful energy, it didn't mean he was healed. At any moment, he could fall to literal pieces once more, so, being unhealed, Wei Ying was in constant pain.

It hurt to breathe, it hurt to smile and let air hit his previously shattered teeth, it hurt to walk on shattered legs and severed nerves; it hurt to play Chenging with a broken jaw and throat hoarse from screaming, it hurt to let
hands touch him and aggravate the cracks in his bones. But it hurt more to not be touched.

Wei Ying craved touch even if it hurt. He'd gone so long without affection that even if it was excruciating, he needed to be touched.

...

Lan Zhan's heart yearned, listening to these thoughts and feeling these feelings however minuscule, he longed to reach out and caress. He couldn't just sit there anymore. He got up and moved over to his heartbroken husband. With a bit of resistance, Lan Zhan grabbed him and maneuvered him between his upturned knees and cradling him in his arms.