Who You Are

Chapter 45 - Yin Hu Fu (Stygian Tiger Amulet)

Seeing Lan Wangji look at him with hatred and disgust, hearing him beg over and over to return to Gusu for punishment, to have to push him away like everyone else was exhausting. Lan Zhan was the only person who kept trying to break through the wall Wei Ying had created between himself and the world. Lan Zhan wouldn't stop tearing the wall apart leaving Wei Ying to pick up the pieces so he could hide once more.

My heart is fragile, Lan Zhan.... please stop breaking it.

...

Lan Wangji gulped, listening to Wei Ying's thoughts, "they are most definitely fragile," he said.

Wei Ying shrunk in the man's arms as he continued to watch.

...

Lan Wangji...

The boy always had a way of making Wei Ying feel small. Not inferior. Just small. He made Wei Ying feel exposed, like under his piercing gaze he couldn't hide and the constant prods and pokes to his secrets made him not want to any longer.

The little touches and whispers of his name made Wei Ying want to scream, 'Why?! Why could Lan Zhan affect me in this way?! Why did Lan Wangji have to steal my heart?!'

Wei Ying sighed heavily, closing his eyes tight.

Tomorrow, the final battle took place and that was all that mattered. He was likely to die on the battlefield anyway which was his plan in the first place, to take his secrets to the grave.

Wei Ying snorted, "To being a liar," He whispered as if cheering with alcohol, his breath evening out a few minutes later.

...

Lan Wangji was tempted to cry, listening to those thoughts. That Wei Ying had planned on dying on that battlefield just so he could keep a secret, just so his shidi wouldn't suffer. But he really wanted to cry knowing that that wasn't the only reason, Wei Ying desired death, wanted to rest and he could feel it.

"Wei Ying," Lan Zhan whispered against his neck, "I'm sorry you had suffered so much."

"I'm sorry for keeping it away from everyone," Wei Ying said, "if I wasn't so stubborn and said something...maybe I could have..."

"Going through that is not something a person can go through alone...but it's also not easy to open up about," Lan Qiren said starting to understand his thoughts as he watched, "but reaching out could have had a better outcome... though we could have been less aggressive to get you to listen to us. We weren't all that kind and willing to let you open up. We made you feel small... that was our biggest mistake."

Wei Ying was starting to feel a bit better. The self-guilt he had been building inside, the self-hatred, the loneliness...all of it was starting to fade. He was feeling better knowing he was starting to have a better group of people who are now starting to understand him. He knows he's going to need a lot more time to fully accept them, but it was a start.

...

After watching Wei Ying struggle to control the aching resentment, thirsty for freedom and trying to burst free, the boy jumped to a pillar and lifted his Chengqing to his lips. He had been using it to deflect attacks the entire time he was fighting, Lan Zhan, however, would always be there to protect him.

Wei Ying's heart skipped a few beats, fluttering at the thought of being protected by those muscly Lan arms, to be hidden in the long sleeves and have kisses-

'Wei Wuxian! You are fighting in a war this is not the time to be drooling over him.' He scolded himself, shaking his head and continuing to play a menacing tune.