Who You Are

Chapter 105 - When Memories Cut Deep

Everyone was taking a small break as it was a good spot in the memories to do so. Everyone was sitting talking in their own small groups. Wen Qing and Wen Ning were sitting with Lan Wangji, Wei Wuxian, and Lan Xichen, just having a casual conversation. It wasn't until a topic started that made Wei Wuxian start to feel uncomfortable.

"Why did you start teasing Lan Wangji the first night you two met?" Wen Qing asked.

"I don't know, I just thought, 'wow, this fuddy-duddy is a bit stiff and rigid, I wonder if I can get him to smile at least once.' So I kept trying. I didn't intentionally try to annoy him so much," Wei Wuxian answered.

"It didn't seem like it," Wen Qing said, "from everything we watched, it makes me wonder just how far you would have gone if things didn't turn when they did."

"Well, it still happened," Wei Wuxian told her.

"Though, it had to have been rough for Lan Wangji too. Spending all of those years mourning and not even sure if his feelings will ever be reciprocated," Wen Qing said.

Lan Xichen then had a memory come to mind. He remembered how harsh he was on Wei Wuxian and not just calmly speak to him about it. Even to Wei Wuxian that memory flooded his mind.

'Wangji was a model for the disciples when he was young, and a prominent cultivator when he grew up!... The only mistake he had ever made in his life is you!'

It was memory he wished he'd forget but it was there for the rest of his like. He doesn't even know if it is true. He wonders if it is even something he should forget. It echoed in his head over and over again. It raced through his mind so much he started to lose his breath.

'Did Lan Xichen really means it? Am I a mistake?'

"A'Ying?" Wen Qing called out. She noticed Wei Wuxian had spaced out.

Lan Xichen knew then, those words still stuck with him, "A'Xian about that day I ju-"

"Ugh, I need...a break," Wei Wuxian said interrupting him and left them sitting there confused.

Lan Wangji could tell that there was something off. Before anyone could say anything, even Lan Wangji, Wei Wuxian was already out the door.

"What was that about?" Wen Ning asked.

Lan Xichen closed his eyes, "it might have to do with something I said to him a long time ago...and not it wasn't necessarily nice either," He told them.

"What?" Wen Qing asked.

"Wei Wuxian asked me back then what happened with the scars on Lan Wangji's back. I questioned him slightly out of anger how he couldn't know," Xichen explained, "I told him how Wangji got the whip scars and how it was related to him and he said he didn't know. He said he didn't know Wangji had such feelings for him...

"...I told him, 'Wangji was a model for the disciples when he was young, and a prominent cultivator when he grew up!... The only mistake he had ever made in his life is you!'...it was something that just came out at based of the conversation, the memory probably hit him. I could tell by the look on his face just before he walked out."

"Xiongzhang!" Lan Wangji said upset, "you- if he didn't know, he didn't know. He has been dead for sixteen years. How do you expect him to have such a good memory? I even knew some of his memories were probably corrupted when he resurrected."

"I am sorry," Lan Xichen said, "I know I said those things and I know I have made amends with him but I still have to continue with that. You have no idea how much I want to go back an redo that moment."

Lan Wangji sighed and left without saying another word. He just didn't know where to find him. He thought he'd go to their room but he wasn't there. He looked multiple places but he couldn't find him.

"Wei Ying, where are you?" Lan Wangji asked himself quietly.

"What's wrong, Wangji?" Baoshan asked.

"I can't find Wei Ying," Lan Wangji told her with a worried expression on his face.

If Wei Wuxian wasn't injured and his mental state wasn't in shambles, Lan Wangji wouldn't be worrying this much, but since he was that way, he had all the reason to worry.

"You are married, are you not?" She questioned.

"We are," Lan Wangji answered, "why would you ask that."

"If you are married, and you two are destined soulmates, you should be able to find each other through a soul link through your bond. It is created the first time you consummate after marriages...assuming you waiting until then," she explained, "if not, it should still be linked."

"How do I use it?" Lan Wangji asked.

"Focus on all of your senses at once, and connect them. Then once connected, focus your senses to the place you have Wei Ying stored inside you. Those senses mixed with your thoughts and feelings of Wei Ying should create a link and it will lead you to him," She explained.

Listening to her instructions, he did as followed. Once he connected his senses to his love for Wei Wuxian, it was like he had a compass floating above his head and new where to go. Lan Wangji left and followed the link only to find Wei Wuxian at the training grounds where he was stabbed. The only thing was, Wei Wuxian sitting in the center of the field, hugging his knees to his chest and his face to his knees.

Lan Wangji knew he was crying, 'Wei Ying...'

Lan Wangji walked up to him and sat down beside him. He pulled him to his lap and helped him place his head to his (Wangji's) chest. He held onto him in a comfortable embrace with his left hand on the back of his head, grazing his fingers across the scalp and tickling his head. His other hand was wrapped firmly around him holding him close. Lan Wangji continued like this for a while as he also hummed Wangxian.

"Lan Zhan?" He finally heard Wei Wuxian say something after a long while.

"Hmm?" He hummed, "I'm here."

"You know?" Wei Wuxian asked, "am I a mistake?"

"No!" Lan Wangji answered back immediately, "you are the best thing that has ever happened to me, by far."

"Why am I always like this?" Wei Wuxian asked sobbing into Lan Wangji's chest, "why can't I just move on and forget?"

"I know that it's something you so desperately want, but recovering from mental trauma takes the longest to overcome," Lan Wangji told him, "you have suffered more than anyone here, maybe even more then some of the most famous cultivators. It's only been a few years since it all ended, and it will take time to fully heal. It won't happen overnight like we would like it to."

"What if it never heals? I am always feeling like I can't do this anymore. I know you hate when I say this but most of the time I just want to sleep. Just sleep for a long time," Wei Wuxian answered.

"I know you want that, but you have me and a few others who are going to miss you if you were to do that," Lan Wangji told him, "I know you are tired...something you can do is sleep for a while. You can take a nap and sleep. I will be with you when you wake up."

"Lan Zhan..." Wei Wuxian said letting out a breathy sob.

With the two sitting there, Baoshan eventually came out to find them and saw Wei Wuxian's state. She offered to let him sleep for a while by taking a supplement to help him. He agreed as he just wanted to rest for a bit and hope he feels better after waking.