Who You Are

Chapter 69 - Aftermath of The Past

Baoshan gave everyone the rest of the day to calm down and recollect themselves. Lan Zhan carried Wei Ying back to their room and laid him down on the bed. He then removed Wei Ying's robes, leaving him in an undershirt and his trousers. As he took care of Wei Ying, he had water boiling for tea. He could use a cup to help calm himself, as well as meditate for a little while. He pulled the covers over Wei Ying and placed a kiss on his forehead.

Lan Zhan moved the table closer to the bed so he was closer to Wei Ying. As his water continued to heat up for his tea, he couldn't hold back his tears anymore. Seeing Wei Ying fall again, seeing him fall apart, seeing the life leave his eyes little by little as the world tortured and berated him.

He did say he loved Lan Zhan before he fell. He didn't want to leave his sons, but because of the amulet being destroyed, he was already dying. He jumped because he felt it was best so no one could watch his soul leave his body... so people couldn't find his body... so no one could really stop him.

Lan Zhan tried. Oh how he tried! He wished he tried harder. Thinking back, he could come up with dozens of solutions before his demise, but he blanked the moment he saw Wei Ying in distress. Wei Ying was the love of his life, and all he could do was watch him die... he wished he could have done something more... anything.

Lan Zhan was then taken out of his thoughts by a sudden burst of coughing coming from where Wei Ying was. Lan Zhan stood up and went over to his husband. Wei Ying, still coughing as if he was trying to gather air to breathe, opened his eyes and sat up pretty quickly.

Lan Zhan sat on the bed beside Wei Ying and pulled the man to his lap. Wei Ying was finally able to calm down and stop coughing before turning to look up and Lan Zhan's face.

"Lan Zhan," Wei Ying said, his voice sounded a bit weak, almost tired, "what happened? Why did I cough up blood?"

"You went into post traumatic shock from seeing Yanli's death again. The shock caused you to choke up blood and pass out," Lan Zhan explained, "how are you feeling?"

"I just feel...tired," Wei Ying answered, "but I'm not tired at the same time...I am okay...I suppose... I don't know."

Lan Zhan couldn't help but chuckle at him trying to configure his brain to work enough to process words to speak, "I'm guessing it's fatigue...you did pass out from shock. So waking up you may feel a bit fatigued."

"Oh," Wei Ying said turning in Lan Zhan's lap so he could hold onto him.

Wei Ying placed his head onto Lan Zhan's chest as he wrapped his arms around him, gripping tightly onto Lan Zhan's robes from the back.

"How is everyone else?" Wei Ying asked.

"They are still trying to calm down from being so overwhelmed by pain, guilt, anger and sadness. Jingyi and Sizhui are doing okay. Xiongzhang is rooming with them so they have someone with them."

Wei Ying nodded, "I feel terrible... they must think I don't love them because of my words and death at Nightless City."

"They don't," Lan Zhan reassured, "they are actually doing okay. They know you love and care about them. They just don't like that you were driven mad and had to kill yourself to end your pain. They have been very understanding about everything."

"You did really well on raising them," Wei Ying praised.

"I tried to do what I could to keep them humble and have a side of you," Lan Zhan explained, "I kept telling them all the good things about you as they asked about you...well they asked me if I loved someone or had feelings for someone, I told them I did and said everything I could about you."

"Thank you," Wei Ying told him, "I'm grateful, but you didn't have to do that."

"I know, but I did anyway."

"I am also happy they took the whole, parental news so well," Wei Ying said thoughtfully, "finding out they were are their biological parents and they aren't actually adopted..."

"They did handle it pretty well," Lan Zhan agreed, "though it might by be because they enjoy our company and they love us all enough to be okay with it...plus they don't have to worry about being targeted for being Wens...but as for Wen Ning and Wen Qing."

"I thought the two were going to stay here with Baoshan, hang out in the mountain," Wei Ying thought out loud.

"They are, that won't change some people's thoughts about Wens," Lan Zhan informed.

"That is true," Wei Ying sighed and glanced up at his husband, "how are you feeling?"

"I'm hanging in there," he said, "I'm worried about what Baoshan will show for myself. She said she wants to share some things of those sixteen years I mourned."

"As painful as it may be for me to watch, I want to know," Wei Ying told him, "I tried to get you to speak to me about it, but you won't...and you want me to open up to you all the time."

Lan Zhan sighed, "I'm sorry about that," he said, "I'll try to do better after all this is over...I just don't know what is going to happen next...just promise me you won't blame yourself or put yourself at fault... most of it happened because of my actions."

"I will try but I can't promise," Wei Ying said, "Xichen told me about you taking the whippings... I blamed myself... I blamed myself for all the pain you've been through... for having raise our boys alone..."

"Wei Ying, please stop," Lan Zhan begged, "it may seem like it but don't blame yourself. That's the last thing I want to happen. I don't want you to start spiraling downward again."

"All I can say is I will try," Wei Ying told him.

After a moment of silence between the two, a quiet rumble of a growl was heard. Lan Wangji looked at his husband and chuckled, "hungry?"

"Maybe a little bit," Wei Ying answered, "I just woke from passing out...can you blame me for being hungry?"

"No, you are slightly under weight as it is," Lan Zhan told him, "plus after losing some blood your body needs some nutrients," Lan Zhan stood up, "I will go get you some food."

"Thank you," Wei Ying said happily.

Lan Zhan leaned down and kissed his husband. Wei Ying responded by grabbing the man's face so he couldn't pull away so soon. Wei Ying started to nibble on Lan Zhan's bottom lip.

Lan Zhan managed to pull away, "I know you're hungry but my lips are not food," he teased.

Wei Ying laughed, "I know, but they taste sweet... can I have them for dessert? Maybe just have all of you for dessert?"

"Mmm, yes," Lan Zhan agreed pecking his lips once more before leaving to get his food.

When Wei Ying was alone, he let out a sigh. He knows that Lan Zhan doesn't want him to blame himself, but Wei Ying knows his death had a huge impact on the man. He wanted to know just how much he hurt his husband because of his decision to jump...

Lan Zhan returned not long after leaving, with a tray of food in his hand. Wei Ying carefully got up and sat beside Lan Zhan at the table. The two ate together peacefully.