Changes // Toni Shalifoe (DISCONTINUED)

2:9

Day 45

We were sitting around the fire. We made the last of our fish, trying to stuff our face before it goes bad. It would be a waste to let food go bad when we don't know if we're even going to eat tomorrow. Toni's head is leaned up on my leg while I try to slowly stuff my face as much as I can. Dot's walking around, trying to get us to eat, but everyone is stuck.

"Yummy." Dot waves the fish in front of Fatin who makes a face of disgust.

"Mm, no. I'm engorged," Fatin says, "And not in a hot way."

"Wow, I am so over this feast to famine bullshit." Dot sighs, leaning down next to Fatin as she too stares at the fish in slight disgust.

"I know," Leah speaks up, "They're sort of awful in their own way."

"I don't know. I still like feasts," Martha chuckles, holding her stomach, "Look at my food baby!"

"Absolutely not, Martha," Fatin speaks up, "No one has said food baby since 2017 for a reason. We decided to leave it there."

"Food baby? I think it's kinda cute," Shelby coos.

"Nope, Shelby. We are not reinforcing this." Fatin fights, "Martha, I love you, but I'm not letting you resurrect food baby."

"My thing is like, if you extend the metaphor, when you do take a shit, are you supposed to love it like it's your child?" Leah asks, "It's all very confusing."

"I'm sorry baby," Martha says, rubbing her stomach, "I didn't know you'd be so controversial."

"Yeah, on the whole child poop thing, I'm pretty sure the whole flushing it down to toilet is like the same move as leaving them in front of the fire station."

"Shit, that got dark fast." Dot snorts.

We're interrupted when Rachel screaming, throwing her shoe off and end up hitting Shelby, "Shit, sorry!" Rachel quickly runs over and checks on Shelby. She looks for any bruises or cuts and Shelby chuckles.

"No, it's okay. Something needed to interrupt that conversation."

"Yeah, that was pretty low for us in terms of banter." Dot sighs. I nod, leaning down and watching Rachel.

"I want to know if you're okay." Shelby says. Rachel looks at the girl, a conflicted look on her face. I turn and grab her shoe, walking over to Rachel and lean down. Rachel gives me a small appreciative smile, holding out her foot while I slip on her shoe in silence.

"I am," Rachel sighs, "And then I'm not. Then I am. Then I'm worse than before."

"It'll happen. It's just the process of healing." I tell her. She smiles timidly down at me, sighing slightly.

"But the prayer thing is working," Rachel says to the girl, "I just wish I had more."

"More?" Shelby questions.

"More... god," Rachel says, "I don't mean to make this heavy, I just... want some of what you got."

I stay quiet at this. Personally, prayer and god never helped me, but if it helps Rachel, then I hope it helps her find some peace. Shelby stays quiet at first, trying to think of the right thing to say, "Well, finding god is really about faith, really. You can't just learn or get it. You sorta just, trust it."

"Yeah, but, you know me. I got control issues. I need like steps and shit. Like a program, or some rituals, or something."

"You could try baptism." Shelby suggests.

"I spent my life in water. I've kinda run my time with it."

"Okay... then there's marriage. That's not exactly welcome in my church... for me, at least." I look up at Shelby as she says this. My gaze softening slightly as I pause what I'm doing. I've moved slowly, focused more on the conversation.

"You could try a funeral," I suggest, "Everyone always says funerals are for the living, not the dead."

"Did it help you?" Rachel asks, "For your brother?"

"Not really," I sigh, "But, it wasn't just his. And the setting wasn't great."

"Right, it was that blonde girl's too, right?"

"Allie, yeah," I finish tying the laces, "And... others."

"Others?" Leah asks. I turn and nod slowly.

"Yeah, uh, it was at my school," I gulp slightly, "Allie and Ethan died there. This guy in my grade-" I sigh, keeping my breathing even, "He brought a gun to school. Started shooting before first period. Kinda shit how one guy can fuck up your whole life. 14 students died, including Allie and Ethan, and 32 were injured. I was in the bathroom when it happened, was locked in there, and then came out and saw their bodies." I look up at Rachel who is watching me with a sorrow look, "The funeral in the school never helped. What helped was mostly time. There will never be a time where I don't feel that pain. You just sort of manage it."

Rachel looks at me. I feel the other girls eyes on me. My body bounces back slightly as Rachel jumps into me and wraps me into a hug. My arms slowly snake around her and I comfort her, "Thank you. I'm sorry." Rachel mumbles. I just nod into her shoulder. When she pulls back, she looks around, "I think I want to try a funeral. For Nora."

"Yeah, sure. We can prepare for it." Dot says.

Shelby walks over to Rachel, placing her necklace around Rachel's neck, "I hope this could help a bit." Shelby whispers. Rachel looks down at the necklace, smiling at it and at Shelby. She nods slightly, keeping it gripped in her hand.

"Thank you." Rachel whispers, looking down as we hand out tasks to prepare for Nora's funeral.

Nora's funeral. The girl who seemed to have more secrets than answers. Guess she really took them to the grave.