Changes // Toni Shalifoe (DISCONTINUED)

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It's strange to think that one moment can change your entire life. You could have taken a new route one day and run into the love of your life, missed the train and experience the most beautiful sunset, forget a tampon and have the most embarrassing moment when the blood first hits the surface of your poorly planned white pants. For me, it was two things: the first being going out that one night, and then there's getting on that plane. Both changed me. Both traumatized me. But everything happens for a reason. If I never got on that plane I may have never really known Toni. Like truly known her. Sure we ran into one another, even spoke a few words, but that would have never been the same as to how I knew her now.

As for that one night, that's... complicated. In a way it was more traumatic than the plane. In that night I lost. I became an empty shell needing a release. Needing something to hold onto, to fill me up again.

"This isn't a punishment." My mother says to me as we are driving up to the airport, "It's a retreat." I don't reply as I continue to look out the window. My mother sighs next to me in annoyance. I don't remember the last time we had a good conversation, or really any conversation. She can't stand to look at me and I can't stand her, so there isn't really a good time to talk. The ride to the airport feels like forever in the tense silence. If this retreat is good for anything I at least get a weekend away from my mom. When she pulls up to the airport she doesn't hug me goodbye, doesn't give me a 'good luck', doesn't even look at me. She just keeps her eyes forward, and with no hesitation, she leaves the minute I grab my bag and am a safe distance away from the car. I release a small sigh before leaving myself.

I've never been on a private jet and I can't really say I've ever cared to be on one. Flying in general isn't a particular joy of mine. Sure I don't exactly love my hometown, but I don't really have a desire to go anywhere else. I'm sure it's all the same. I'd rather just read and go somewhere else, someplace away from reality.

When I get on the plane I see that I'm not the first. My eyes flicker to the familiar girls from my town, Toni and Martha. Martha gives me a sweet grin that I return slightly; whereas Toni just stares at me, her expression unreadable. I don't keep eye contact for long as I move towards the back where a girl with brown hair and blue eyes, similar to mine, is curled up on the chair with no conception of the reality around her. She seems like a good person to sit next to so I join her.

Leah, I later find out her name is, doesn't look up at me. She doesn't speak to me which I honestly don't mind. I just want to enjoy the silence while it lasts. I go into my bag to grab my headphones to listen to some music. I pull out two photos first to look at them. My eyes flicker to the second and linger longer. I shake my head before putting it back in and closing my eyes, drowning everything out with music. The plane takes off and I keep my eyes glued out the window. My gaze is broken when I see movement out of the corner of my eye.

"Alright everyone, so in the interest of bringing us all together, I'd like to propose a little icebreaker." A blonde girl with a thick texan accent speaks. I shrink myself into my seat in hopes of somehow getting out of this.

The only girl who seems to be excited is a perky asian, Jeannette, "ooh, like never have I ever?"

"That game's a bit much." Blondie, I later learns name is Shelby, replies before Jeannette perks back in.

"I know. So here's how it works. One person says something they've never done, and if you have done it you drink alcohol." Jeannette snorts a bit and I chuckle at her enthusiasm before she is once again shut down by Shelby. I look back out the window before I'm tapped on the shoulder and I look over at the blonde texan who smiles brightly at me.

"Hi! We are just pairing off for a little powwow get-to-know each other thing." I nod lightly at her and she smiles before dragging me off to be in a group with her and Martha. I'd only ever spoken to Martha once, she probably doesn't even remember or knows if I remember, but she complimented me once after a meet I had at her high school. I send her a quick smile which she returns. Shelby turns to the two of us and begins, "Okay, I'm Shelby. I do pageants, I do family, and I do Jesus." She says while pointing up the the top of the plane.

"You do... Jesus?" I ask her slowly. And she turns to me with a smile before she sees the smirk on my face and turns red.

"Not like that." She mutters quietly before turning to a startled Martha, "Can I just say you have the most drop dead gorgeous eyes?" Martha shyly thanks her before beginning her introduction.

"Uh, I'm Emma." I tell them after they turned to me and wait to say something. I play with the end of my shirt as Shelby continues to look at me with a furrowed expression. They give us a piece of cake which I hesitantly take.

"I'm sorry but you just look so dang familiar." Her texan goes strong as she continues to look at me.

"She was on TV. For a gymnast meet." Martha cuts in and I give her a strained smile.

"Oh that's right! Me and my whole family watched you perform. You were amazing! Well I guess that's obvious since you were on TV for it." Shelby laughs lightly.

"Yeah, well I uh quit now. So you won't be seeing it for a while."

Shelby is about to reply but Martha cuts in, "Oh Shelby, I think you have cake in your teeth." Shelby stops and moves her hand to her lips before grimacing at us.

"Well ain't that embarrassing. If you will excuse me." She excuses herself and walks to the back of the plane to the washroom leaving Martha and I alone. It stays quiet until I decide to speak up.

"I, um, I remember you. I was at your school."

Martha perks up and gives me a smile, "Yeah! You really were amazing. The moves you were able to perform were incredible. You even got Toni to be quiet and just watch." Martha gushes. I smile at her and unconsciously move my eyes over to the hot-headed basketball player. I'd only spoken to her twice before, never really getting the chance to speak more since she and Martha lived on res; whereas I didn't, for obvious reason. We never talked with them and they never talked to us. It's just how it was.

"Thank you." I whisper quietly. Martha and I don't have time to talk more as the plane starts to shake. I hold onto my seat as the plane goes out of control. I don't register Toni running over to Martha, Shelby coming out to pray, Rachel indulge in her food, Dot lighting a cigarette, none of it. All I think of is Allie and Ethan.

And I know that I won't be alone anymore.