Everchanging

Envy

!!TW!! Vague Abuse, Vague discussion of SA, Bullying, and Child Neglect

It was a little disheartening, looking into the driveway and seeing his grandpa's car gone. That meant that left Zenitsu alone with Kaigaku for the night, with their grandpa away for his work shift. Even though he was coming back from a sleepover, Zenitsu couldn't help but feel like he could sleep for years.

But honestly, he couldn't be more satisfied with the outcome of their sleepover. He was overwhelmingly proud of Genya for sharing, quite possibly, the most horrible and grotesque life story Zenitsu has ever heard of in his life. It just made him feel more honored to be able to call himself the boy's friend, because if Zenitsu had to live that life, he wouldn't be making it out.

As much as it had hurt to hear Genya say that he had planned on killing himself the night his siblings died and he shot his father, no one could really blame him. Hell, if Zenitsu dealt with half the shit that Genya had, he didn't know if he would make it out alive.

Abuse, suicide, murder, alcoholism, sexual abuse, molestation, and so on...

It was too much for anyone to bear, let alone a child. And Zenitsu wasn't really sure if Genya knew how fucked up it all was. Well, no, that's not what he meant. More like, he didn't know if Genya knew how fucked up it was that it happened to him. Zenitsu was positive that his friend knew that putting anyone in that situation is awful but he couldn't help the seed of doubt that whispered that Genya thought it was a little more excusable because it had happened to him.

Because, if Zenitsu had caught onto anything, it was that whenever Genya had spoken about what happened to his siblings or his mother, he would get upset and angry. But when the boy explained what he himself had gone through, it was just that, an explanation.

It was hard, seeing Nezuko flounder to find a way to comfort her friend without triggering him. Zenitsu understood why she was hesitant, though. It had been a woman who had hurt Genya, so naturally, Nezuko couldn't help but wonder if her gender made her seem dangerous to Genya. It was difficult, and Zenitsu was guiltily glad that he didn't have to worry about that. But it did sting to see the girl he loved having to navigate that maze.

But it seemed like Genya was okay with her, he had let her hold him as he cried and poured his insecurities out for his friends to see. It was sickening, to hear just how horribly his own friend thought of himself. Zenitsu understood, though, a life of abuse would warp your view of yourself; especially if you were subconsciously made to compete with your older sibling.

"If I had just been a little more like Nemi, then none of this would have happened! He was able to make mom happy. He was able to make father back down. He was able to protect all of us. So why couldn't I ?"

Zenitsu couldn't imagine it, having to protect and nurture your own mother's will to live while you protected everyone from a violent man, who was supposed to love you. He didn't want to imagine it. It made him sick that his own friend had to live it. And as much as Zenitsu believed Tanjiro's words, he couldn't help but feel a little vindictive towards their teacher for moving away from their friend when he needed him.

"It shouldn't have been your job to protect anyone, let alone your mom. It shouldn't have been Mr. Shinazugawa's job to protect anyone either."

And he felt stupid, of course it wasn't Sanemi's job to protect everyone, he was also just a child trying to survive. But Zenitsu couldn't help it! He was biased towards Genya and this whole situation was beyond fucked, so he needed someone to be mad at!

How lonely was Genya, waiting for his brother to come visit him or god forbid call him? Did Genya live everyday and every year thinking that his own brother had abandoned and forgotten about him, left him to rot in the hands of not only a father who wanted him dead but a woman who wanted him in ways that made Zenitsu nauseous just to think about? How did Genya look as he pleaded with his mother to live as she died in his own home's bathroom, only a wall away from his siblings eating lunch? Was he as big as he is now or was he smaller, more scrawny with malnourishment?