Everchanging

Empathetic Hearts

!!TW!! Discussion of topics such as: abuse/neglect/abandonment, medical neglect, financial instability, miscarriages, and therapy

The end of the school day was always so obscenely loud, students rushing to find their friends and get the hell out of dodge. Kids bumped into each other, teachers yelled directions and goodbyes, and the PA system sounded above them. All in all, an annoying concoction of noise and crowds that always served to get on Kaigaku's thin nerves.

But, as it was currently, Kaigaku wasn't that annoyed. He stood off to the side, leaned against the wall right where the lockers ended so they could provide a little shield from the bustling student body. His gaze scanned the sea of teenagers, not really looking for anyone in particular but also antsy to see just one certain boy.

Zenitsu had already sauntered off to wherever he was bothering Nezuko at, dragging Muichirou off with him. They had agreed to meet up with Kaigaku after clubs ended, but he knew it was only because Zenitsu was nosy and wanted to see just how frazzled so much human interaction could make Kaigaku. He couldn't really explain why, but Kaigaku was nervous for today.

It wasn't for any specific reason, at least not that Kaigaku could tell. It's not like he hated any of the kids in the club or the teacher running it, he couldn't care one way or the other. It was just the unfamiliarity that made Kaigaku unsure. And really, to be honest, he had only joined the club on a spur of the moment feeling.

Kaigaku would be the first to admit that he was in a shit mood, his arms sore from gym class only for Mr. Obanai to tell him to carry a ten pound stack of chemistry exams down to the teacher's lounge. Or maybe it was the newly acquired loner title Kaigaku was now branded, since he had abandoned his "friendship" with Gyutaro and Ume. It was strangely hard getting used to not having them constantly spewing cruel narratives into his ear. Ashamedly, Kaigaku kind of felt lonely without them.

He wasn't ignorant, he knew full well that they weren't good for them. Good for each other. Their friendship had been built off of unprocessed trauma and anger, they validated that sick little voice in Kaigaku's head that screamed about all of the things he had been robbed of. They made him feel better than he was, above what he was. It was weird, to live his teenage years with a disconnect from himself.

He hated that sad little boy inside of him, the one who still cried for his mommy and begged for his daddy. Kaigaku hated that weak part of him that was still affected by all of this, and Gyutaro and Ume made him feel so much better than that weak little child he truly was.

But he no longer had them, he no longer had that fiery anchor that tied him so far above the pain and only showed him all of the reasons to stay angry. Now, he had to accept that he was weak and he was a child. He still hurt, he still cried, and he was still in so much pain. And he wasn't any better than anyone else. He no longer had Gyutaro and Ume to fan those flames of hate and anger, to direct them at anyone who would take it.

But, Kaigaku didn't want to be angry anymore. He was so tired of always being angry, and always being hateful. He wanted to be someone good. He wanted to be the kind of person his mother wanted him to be.

However, it was still difficult to follow through on those desires on days like this one, where Kaigaku couldn't identify what was making him angry. Just that something was wrong and he felt that fire bubbling up in his throat. It was an amalgamation of a bunch of little annoyances and prickly feelings that clogged together and made Kaigaku want to scream.

But he wouldn't, he knew better now. There were better ways to get rid of that feeling than screaming.

Gritting his teeth, Kaigaku adjusted his sore arms to hold the stack of papers better as he turned the corner. He couldn't help but huff an amused chuckle when he saw a familiar boy standing with his nose almost touching the club signup sheets.