Everchanging

Anemone

!!TW!! Talk of death/mourning

Both boys sat in complete silence, but their minds were screaming. Sanemi's fingers gripped the steering wheel with enough force that the leather squeaked beneath his skin. This was a good idea, right? It had to be. Genya's therapist suggested it so that must mean that nothing bad would come from it, yeah?

To be honest, Sanemi hadn't been back to his family's gravesite since the month his baby brother had been comatose right after the attack. He had wanted to get most of the grieving out of the way, to scream and sob as much as he could before he had to hold himself together for Genya. He had assumed he would come back when Genya would eventually ask, but the boy hadn't. In fact, Genya ignored the fact that his family was at the gravesite. He only spoke of them being gone in extremes, when he was falling apart or when he was forced to.

Other than that, the boy hadn't spoken of them that much. It wasn't that Genya acted as if they didn't exist, Sanemi wasn't dumb enough to believe that. There were little things that Genya did that showed just how much he lost and how much he missed them. Like whenever they went to the Kamado bakery, he would stare at the baby as if it were Shuuya still there.

Genya also had a habit of dishing out smaller portions as if he were making a plate for a child. He would smile and greet kids on the street if they waved, but he would always shy away from their touch. He also still had Shuuya's plushie tucked in the front of his bed, where it was in easy reach.

So, yeah, Genya missed his family more than Sanemi would ever know. But he never asked about them. However, Sanemi knew that the yearning must rip him apart from the inside since it was doing the same to Sanemi. It was one of the few things that Sanemi could empathize with his baby brother on. They had both lost their family.

So now they sat in Sanemi's car in the parking lot of the graveyard their family now resided in. Honestly, Sanemi was surprised that his mother's family agreed to let her and her kids be buried with the rest of the family. Especially since Shizu had been disowned when she ran away with Kyogo. But, after the news came out of Kyogo's torment, her family was quick to offer her a place in their cemetery.

Genya hadn't made a move to interrupt their silence, instead he chose to stare out the window at the trees. The green leaves were slowly losing their vibrancy and fluttered to the trimmed grass, and suddenly the boy remembered that exams were coming up soon. It was odd to think that so much time has passed so quickly. It felt like last night he had lost everything, his father wielding a knife and the kids' bodies cold to the touch. But that wasn't the case, months had passed, and Genya had changed.

He wasn't as lonely as he used to be, nor as weak. He had friends to stand behind him, adults he could trust would protect him. He had Nemi, so it was okay if he spoke his mind. Genya had changed so much as a person that he wondered if his mom would like this new version of him. He wondered if mom and the kids would loathe him for getting what they couldn't, a peaceful life with Sanemi.

He wondered if they knew how much he missed them, every day. Every waking moment Genya missed them. In minimal moments such as mealtimes he sometimes forgot that he no longer had to prepare a formula bottle for Shuuya or cut up Sumi's grapes. When he took a bath, he sometimes forgot that there weren't children to join him, stumbling their way into the water so they could splash.

At night he missed their warmth, their all-consuming pressure that seemed like it could fix every vile thought in Genya's head. In the morning he missed their chattering of dreams and scraping of rubber spoons, Genya missed having to clean up after messes made by toddlers. In the afternoon he regretted not playing with them more, while he listened to Tengen's rambling about a new project. Genya should have focused more on them instead of survival, then maybe he wouldn't have felt so much regret in their passing.