Everchanging

Love and Lust

!!TW!! Slight SA thoughts, intrusive thoughts, panic attacks, bullying, PTSD flashback, slight self-harm thoughts

Genya tried. He really did. He tried to focus on the exam and tried to focus on what Zenitsu was saying to him. But to be honest, Genya couldn't even recall what they were supposed to do. He knew that they were supposed to be making something since that was what everyone else was doing, knew that he was supposed to be filling out the sheet that Mitsuri had passed to them. But all he could do was look at the envelope on the ground beside his bag.

He felt...gross. Not, exactly but that was the closest word he could find to describe how he felt. He felt like all eyes could see through him, that they knew every defiling secret of his. He couldn't help but pull his collar up, hoping it covered the scars as best as he could. His stomach felt unsteady and that weird sensation of feeling too full came back with a vengeance.

"Can you mix whip cream too much? Cause I think I just did." Zenitsu laughed to his friend, gaze pausing at the undiced strawberries. Genya knew he should be doing...something but he couldn't tear his eyes away from the comforting weight of the blade in his hand. If he split his stomach open with this blade, would everything spill out? Would he be clean if he tore himself apart? There would be no more secrets to be kept, his insides out for the world to see.

"Hey..." Zenitsu placed down the bowl, the cream too stiff to be whipped cream anymore, and reached his hand out to his friend. Genya didn't fight him as the other boy took the knife away from him, smiling unsteadily. "Can you do the whipped cream? I kinda suck ass at it."

He didn't know what else to do so all Genya did was nod and take the bowl in his hands. Looking at it now, it was obvious how much his hands shook but he couldn't see straight enough to fix it. He was too hyper aware of how Mitsuri made rounds or how a girl classmate was only a desk away from him.

What did that letter say? Was it the same as what the girl had said the other day? Genya wondered just how many people thought the same way. He wondered if it was normal for people to have those thoughts about him.

"Yeah, you're hot. A lot hotter than the other boys in our school."

And if it was normal to think those things about him, then was it so wrong for Miyano to think them as well?

"You look so fucking hot when you're like this. Cry a little more."

No, it was wrong. It was definitely wrong. It had to be, or else she wouldn't have been convicted. But then....why was it so wrong? If people were allowed to be attracted towards him, then why wasn't Miyano? Why was it wrong for her when girls at his school said the same things she did?

He didn't even realize he stopped breathing until Zenitsu raised his hand and suddenly Genya wanted to disappear as their teacher made her way closer. The teen was hyper aware of the smell of her perfume and the curves of her body and Genya wanted to tear his skin off, so he didn't have to feel like he was on fire.

"What's up? Any questions?" Mitsuri leaned onto their table and Genya couldn't tear his gaze off of the feminine lines of her face and the curve of her arms. He wondered if her soft, pretty hands could hurt as much as Miyano's did. Miyano had been thinner than Mitsuri but, yet, Genya hadn't been able to protect himself against her so was Mitsuri more of a danger?

"Can we go to the bathroom, please?" Zenitsu lowered his voice and for a second the woman was going to refuse but her eyes lit up and looked at Genya. The attention made Genya want to explode, noticing the flex of her muscles and the scent of flowers that followed her.

He felt like a pervert. He felt disgusting for looking too hard at her and thinking about what she could do to him. He wondered if Miyano had these thoughts when she looked at him. Did her mind wander, her eyes watching as the boy made dinner for the kids? Did Miyano think of the same things Genya did now?