Everchanging

Guilty

!!Tw!! Suicide Ideation/thoughts, dissociation, hospitals, vague injuries

Genya didn't know how to feel, how to think. Genya wasn't even sure if he was really in his own body, if he was really Genya. All that he did know was that everything hurt, down to his fingers and toes. His brain felt fuzzy, like he was wading through static with no end in sight, but he wasn't really worried about that.

The machine beside his bed beeped constantly, in a set tune that Genya could never forget. It felt nostalgic, laying in a hospital bed with nurses and doctors coming in and out of his room constantly. Sanemi sat beside him the entire time, his arm wrapped in gauze and the blood washed off of him. Genya wasn't sure what to say to him, how to say it. But that didn't seem to matter, since Sanemi was busy doodling on the uncovered skin on Genya's arm, covering the bruises and scratches with vibrant ink.

Giyuu sat close to the window, his arm in a sling and his gaze directed out into the night sky. The man hasn't said much of anything since they were on the bridge. In fact, the only person who had spoken since then was Sanemi, who called the others to update them about Genya. He couldn't help but feel guilty about it all.

No one really told the boy what happened to Miyano, all they were willing to give him was that she was arrested and wouldn't be coming near him ever again. Genya wasn't sure if he believed them yet, but he figured that he didn't care anymore. This wouldn't happen again, he would rather slice his own stomach open right in front of her, than let Miyano have her way with him again.

And he hasn't stopped thinking about that, about dying. He didn't think about when he was going to do it, but the hypothetical. He thought about how he would do it, what would happen after. Genya looked around the hospital room and wondered how deep he would have to press the syringe into him to hit something fatal. He watched the passing cars from the window and wondered how quickly death would take him if he stood in front of them.

It was scary, thinking about all of this. It wasn't like Genya never thought about dying before, but never this vividly. Never did he look at a scalpel and imagine his own body on the chopping block. Never did he look at the dirty wrapping around his wrist and hand and wonder how much more blood could he afford to lose. And it was scary.

A nurse hummed as he walked into the room, a clipboard and tray in hand. Originally, they had assigned a female nurse for Genya, but he was much too wired to even let her get anywhere near him. He kicked and cried and begged until the woman couldn't take it anymore and they switched her out with a man. Genya felt guilty for it, but he liked this guy a lot more than he liked the woman.

He was a little mean and standoffish but Genya kind of liked that. He did his job and only his job, he didn't try to make small talk. And for that, Genya was thankful. He called himself Yushiro, Genya thinks. He could remember the man talking to Dr. Tamayo when he came in, so the boy assumed that the man knew her.

"Time to change your bandages, kid." He grunted, setting down his tray and pushing up his sleeves. It had been a long night, a ton of people being admitted in rather quickly, and Genya felt more than a little guilty for making the man do all of this. "Can I see your arm?"

The boy silently held out his injured arm, his hand left limply open. Genya found that the more his adrenaline wore off, the more his stabbed hand began to hurt and the harder it was to move it. Dr. Kanae had said that there wouldn't be permanent damage, possibly a scar but Genya was used to that, but the hand would hurt for a while.

He watched numbly as Yushiro changed his soiled bandage, violet eyes zeroing in on the stitches that stretched up his sliced arm. He should have cut deeper; he wouldn't be having to deal with all of this if he had just cut deeper.