Everchanging

Extremes

!!TW!! Attempted SA/Harassment, Discussion of Abandonment, abuse, torture, trafficking, Panic Attack, Violence/Fighting, Self-blame, Dichotomous Thinking

The air was freezing but it didn't seem to bother the dog much, but Genya was glad that he had listened to his brother and put on a heavier coat. His cheeks were burning, his nose pink and his ears stinging from the cold weather. All the while, Suika was happily trotting ahead to lick at the snow that had dusted the ground. The dog's boots and coat swished audibly in the late evening, and Genya wasn't looking forward to the many times he would have to wrestle the big dog into that ensemble in the future.

"Don't run too far ahead, Suika." Genya called out, the retractable leash clicking when the dog did the exact opposite. The canine huffed, his breath cloudy in the air, and turned to return to his person's side. "I told you so."

The boy had decided to walk his dog while his brother and guest stayed back. Sanemi had said that he would start making dinner, Hotaru offering to help. And, honestly, Genya needed out for a little bit. He needed to breathe, needed to feel something nip at his skin and remind him that he was alive. So... he fetched Suika's leash and ventured out for a short bit.

It was nice, being alone like this. Because he wasn't actually alone, Suika was here, but the boy also didn't have to worry about questions and wrong things to say. Suika didn't care that he was broken and stupid. The dog never spared a glance at his scars or looked at him differently when the boy awoke in the middle of the night feeling used and hurt. To Suika, Genya wasn't someone that needed to be fixed or coddled. He was just Genya, the one that coaxed him and Yuka off of the street.

And it felt like he was needed again. Not in the way he was needed with his siblings, he didn't have to worry about taking punches or teaching curriculums. But Yuka and Suika needed Genya all the same. They relied on him, looked to him for comfort and for care. And they never asked for anything more. They didn't expect anything from him, so there was really nowhere Genya could disappoint them.

They didn't expect him to change or to heal like the others did. They wouldn't look at him with a disappointed gaze if he relapsed again or try to change how he survived. They didn't care because, to them, there was nothing worth changing. They just wanted Genya as he was. And it was nice to not have something expected of him for once.

It was different than with Sanemi. Sanemi had expectations; he was capable of disappointment. He expected that Genya wanted to get better, to heal. And he did, he really did. But it was exhausting. He was tired of always healing, always doing something different or being looked at weirdly when he reacted a certain way.

"I...I need it to hurt. Really bad. I feel wrong. I feel really wrong, Nemi."

"Okay, okay. I'll figure something out, Genya." Sanemi finally looked rattled, clutching Genya's throbbing hands. Genya almost didn't want him to let go, the contact making his peeling skin hurt a little brighter, but Sanemi moved his hands to brush his bangs out of his face. "But you have to tell me this stuff instead of just...hurting yourself."

It was humiliating, having a reaction and everyone knowing why. He didn't like when Mitsuri got too close so he would shy away, and they all knew why. He didn't like when Sanemi slammed the front door, and everyone knew the cause. Genya hated when students would scream in the hall even though he knew that they were just laughing, and every single person knew why.

But Suika and Yuka didn't. They didn't care. To them, it was a normal reaction. They didn't think too hard about it because they didn't care as long as Genya came home at the end of the day. They didn't care why he did the things he did or if he changed. They didn't expect him to heal or to know what hurt and why. They didn't expect anything from him. They just expected Genya to be Genya.