Everchanging

Letters and Messages

!!TW!! Flashback/discussions regarding topics such as: CSA, SA, Gangrape, Estranged family, murder, abuse, etc.

The prison was typically always noisy but, within Tomoko's four walls, it was silent. Because, truly, what was there to say when she was faced with a notebook and a pen. It was her choice, but that didn't make it any less daunting. There was this strange fear building up within her that her words would only be thrown back at her. She knew they wouldn't, she had never met Genya Shinazugawa but she could assume that he was a good boy.

A good boy that Tomoko's boy hurt.

She sighed, uncapping her pen once more even though her page still remained bare. It had been one of the guards' ideas, that Tomoko write out her story instead of worrying about how to say it. Because saying it was like swallowing a fiery blade. It had been years, almost a decade, and it never got easier to speak.

It felt wrong that she knew more about Genya than he knew about her, even if it was just because Miyano couldn't keep her vile mouth shut. And it made Tomoko shiver, thinking about a boy being trapped with a monster like Miyano.

That was how Tomoko spent her hours lately, thinking.

Putting Gyutaro or Ume in Genya's shoes and just... imagining. Because Tomoko had gone to prison to avoid that situation. The men that had raped Tomoko had notioned about doing the same to Ume, just wondered it out loud, and that was enough for Tomoko. She left them in a bloody mess and destroyed her own life. All because she couldn't stand the feeling, the reality, that her own babies weren't safe. Not even with adults.

So, many nights, Tomoko laid there and just thought about what would have, maybe possibly, happened if she had not ripped those men apart. If Ume or Gyutaro had been in the same prison as Genya had lived in.

Would they have fought back? Would they have fallen to Miyano's strategic manipulation? Would they have even made it out alive? Were they strong enough?

But that wasn't fair. It wasn't about strength, Tomoko knew. You could be the strongest person alive and still be placed into the hands of a monster. Genya was strong, strong enough to suffer. Strong enough to live. Strong enough to protect. But most of all, he was strong enough to fall.

She pressed pen to paper and finally pushed out her voice.

Hello, you don't know me. But, and as awful as this sounds, I know you. I know you more than I wish I did. More than I deserve. More than I should ever know.

My name is Tomoko Shabana, you've met both of my children. Gyutaro and Ume. But, as much as I wish I could brag about my babies, I know they have hurt you. And I wish I could express how sorry I am, but these are just meager words on paper.

She paused, her breath shuddering in the quiet of her cell. Really, nothing could accurately atone for what had been done to Genya. Nothing could describe how much it pained Tomoko to think about just how devastating such a young boy's life was. Nothing could make up for it, not apologies, nor promises. And Tomoko knew this, on an intimate level. She understood that nothing could really, truly , fix what had been defiled. After your body was invaded, violently or not, your body would never really feel like it was yours anymore. Like you were simply renting out a flesh puppet to live in until the end, something that could be taken away when someone bid a higher price on what was supposed to be yours.

Even now, years and years later, after the threat was dead and gone, Tomoko could still feel those men's hands pinning her and hear their filthy words rattle around inside her head. And it pained her, ripped her apart, to think that such a young boy would also meet this same fate that Tomoko lived. That her own children had ridiculed him for it.