Everchanging

Mahiro

!!TW!! Surrendering a baby, teen pregnancy, child meltdown, fetal alcohol spectrum disorder (FASD) symptoms

A girl hesitated at the door, her body sore and her mind weak. A little lump cradled in her arms as she paced at the door. It was cold out, snow dusting the ground and clinging to the teen's thin jacket. She could only hope that the baby remained warm under the layers of blankets she had made sure to wrap it in before she came here.

The girl was only fifteen years old, but her body didn't care that she wasn't mature enough to care for a child. As long as she was old enough to have a period, she was old enough to birth a baby it seemed. And, as much as she prayed to love this baby, she knew that it wouldn't be fair to keep it. She couldn't give this baby girl the life she deserved.

That was why she lingered at the door of the hospital, a thread away from snapping underneath all of the pressure. Would this be considered abandonment, no matter the reasoning? She didn't know, and she knew that it wasn't her place to wonder such things. She was too young to truly understand, not even in high school yet. She couldn't care for this baby, and she didn't know anyone who could.

As she stepped through the doors, heated air blowing against the duo as the bustling life of the hospital caused the baby to stir, the girl recalled how her boyfriend had screamed at her. He was terrified, not wanting anyone to find out about the mistake they had both made. Somehow, she had managed to hide the entire pregnancy from her parents and friends, having the baby girl alone with no support. She didn't want to imagine the hell she would have to pay if her parents found out.

She lingered to the side, rethinking all of this with a clenching heart. She wanted to keep the baby, she wanted to love her, but it wouldn't be fair to the girl. She couldn't even take care of a dog; how did she think she would be able to care for a human baby? It wasn't fair. So, she would have to be mature and give the baby to someone who could care for her.

"I'm so sorry, Makomo." She brushed her finger across the soft pale skin of the little girl's forehead, biting her lip in fear. The baby couldn't understand her, she wouldn't be able to understand why her mom had abandoned her, and that ripped the teen apart. She had named the girl after the mountains; it was where her and Makomo's father had their first date. It was a beautiful place, calm and vast, and the girl could only hope that the girl could live like that. "Mommy's so sorry."

Before she could shatter, the teen forced herself to march up to the nearest doctor. It was a beautiful woman and the tag on her jacket said that she was only an intern, serving her residency. Her name was Kanae Kocho, at least that was what the tag said. She smiled so sweetly at the girl and for a second, she wished that she could turn away and forget all about this. She wished that she could keep her daughter, but that would be unfair to Makomo.

"Excuse me?"

"Yes, do you need something?" Kanae cocked her head. She was young, probably still in her early twenties, and the teen wondered if she would understand. Would she understand why she had to do this?

"I..." She couldn't get the words out, Makomo getting upset in her arms and the teen couldn't suck back the bought of tears that cascaded through her lashes. Would Makomo move on? Would she live her life without knowing what sacrifices her mother made for her? Would she live a life well loved? She hoped, she prayed. She prayed that this pain would eventually fade and that she, as well, could move on. But she didn't think she would ever forget her baby girl for as long as she lived. "I want to–I... I can't keep her."

She couldn't, it wouldn't be fair. As much as she wished she could, as much as it pained her, she couldn't keep Makomo. She was only fifteen years old; she didn't have a job or a support system to help care for the baby. The father didn't want to help, didn't even want the baby girl, and there was no one who would ever understand that this all was just a mistake. The teen knew her parents, knew what they would say.