Everchanging

Ten Thousand More

!!TW!! Vague allusions to SA/Gangrape, Vague thoughts of alcoholism/abuse

"Are you sure we can do this?" Ume spoke out, her back resting against one of the many trees in front of the school. Her brother was sitting a few feet from her, scrolling on his phone as if that hid his anxious fidgeting. It didn't, Ume could still see the way he kept glancing back onto the street. "Like, are we allowed to?"

Her brother sighed, his wavy hair falling into his face as he shook his head. Ume knew he was probably annoyed by her, she had already asked this same question a million times before, but she had to ask again. Her stomach felt queasy at the idea of asking such a thing from Genya, after doing so much to him.

"The worst that can happen is he says, 'no'. All we're gonna do is ask. That's it." Gyutaro was leaning back now, his phone left on his lap as he looked up at the sky. The boy had been more reserved since everything happened, more introspective. It was like he was always thinking. Which, Ume could understand because she was always thinking too.

Thinking about that night in the alleyway. What would have happened if Genya hadn't heard her or if he wasn't as saintly of a person? Ume was always thinking of things like that now. Of the feeling of hands gripping her thighs tightly as she feared what would happen to her.

And Genya had felt that same way for years, all alone with no one to save him like he had saved Ume. It was sickening, and Ume couldn't bring herself to think any deeper on it. She didn't want to know what could've happened to her if her situation had been more like Genya's. The knowledge that they had tormented the boy after he had been through so much, that Gyutaro had spoken that vile secret for the student body to hear.

They only had the kindness of their current class to thank for the fact that Genya hadn't had to encounter the cruel and mean words teenagers, surely, had to say about his situation. For the most part, everyone in their current class had just treated Genya like nothing had been said. They were sure that they were thinking things about Genya and what had been said by Gyutaro, but no one in their class ever spoke those thoughts.

And Ume didn't know how she would stomach it if she found out that people started to bully Genya over something as painful as being raped , all because of Ume and Gyutaro. She knew she was being selfish, making this all about her in her head, because how dare she worry about herself when Genya was the one who had to live with this. But, Ume was still changing, still learning, she didn't know how to not be selfish.

Ume didn't know how Genya, or their own mother, would ever be able to forgive her. She probably wouldn't ever forgive herself. Ume had no idea how she hadn't paused for a moment and questioned her own morality, when she continued to torment a boy over something her own mother had sacrificed her freedom because of. Maybe it was because of Ume's immaturity or selfishness. Maybe it was because of the anger she held for her mother, deep deep down, anger at her mother leaving them. Anger at her mother for giving up her freedom, no matter the circumstance, giving up her life with her children to instead live behind bars.

Ume didn't want to be mad at her mom, but she was. It was a stupid, childish, part of her. The part of her that never, truly, grew up. That still cried for her mommy when she was woken up by nightmares. The part of her that still looked for her mom in the audience at school events, but was always disappointed because her mom gave that up.

And Ume knew, she knew , that she didn't know all of the details. That she would never know all of the details on why her mother had killed all of those men so violently after they raped her. She wouldn't know why her mother turned herself in, why she had given up her life with Ume and Gyutaro. Ume would never know, and she didn't really want to. She just wanted to get rid of this unwarranted anger at her own mother, she wanted to get rid of the part of her that never got to grow up. Ume wanted to kill the child inside of her that still wanted her mommy, the part of her that was always disappointed.