Everchanging

His Guilt

!!TW!! Very Vague thoughts of abuse/SA and self-blame

The car ride was completely silent, neither brother willing to speak first. Genya held his breath, holding his fists in his lap in fear that if he looked at Sanemi he would jump out of the vehicle. It was kind of funny, this was scarier than fighting knife-wielding assholes in an alleyway all alone. Every couple minutes, Sanemi would sigh and run a hand through his hair, and it only served to make Genya's nerves light aflame once again.

Maybe Genya should try to mitigate the damage before they get home. Yeah, if things went south in the car, then there wasn't anywhere to run but Genya really didn't want to fill his home with the memory of raised voices once again. It was too nice of a home to remind Genya of his father.

"Nemi–"

"Can you not, Genya?" Sanemi huffed, shaking his head as he turned on a turn signal. His tone was sharp, one that Genya was rarely on the receiving end of. "I need to think."

"Yeah, but–"

"We'll talk about this when we get home."

With that, it went back to silence once more and Genya was starting to come to the terrifying conclusion that he had truly, completely, fucked everything up. His own brother wouldn't even look at him. Sanemi refused to talk to Genya. And the boy had only seen Sanemi this angry at one other person, Kyogo.

His face burned like that one-time Kyogo held Genya's face too close to a burning skillet, he had never done anything with it but he didn't have to. The threat was enough. But, Genya knew that this burning was different. He could see his own reflection on the black screen of his phone when he flipped it over in his hand. The burning was in his eyes, the violet glassy and wet as Genya tried his best to be completely quiet.

He didn't regret his actions, not at all. He just... wished Nemi wasn't so angry about them. He wanted to understand where he went wrong. He wanted to know what his mistake was so he could make up for it, maybe not lose everything for being so stupid. But he didn't regret saving Ume. He doesn't think he ever will.

Genya hadn't even noticed they had gotten home until his brother's car door slammed shut, rocking the entire car with it. The teen felt his spine straighten, the dull thudding of his heart and the buzzing in his limbs that told him to run away before anger becomes violence. But... this was Nemi. Nemi wouldn't hurt him. He wouldn't.

Would he?

The air was just as cold as before as Genya stepped out, clicking his tongue for Suika to follow him towards the house. And the boy was grateful for the scathing weather, it helped keep his mind anchored. It helped him try to convince himself that Nemi wasn't dangerous, even if he was angry. Not all anger was hostility, Genya knew that, but it was the slight chance that it could be that scared him.

Nemi wouldn't hurt me.

He wouldn't.

But... Genya figured it was okay if he did. If Nemi finally snapped and hurt Genya, he wouldn't blame him. He would do anything, take anything, to stay here. He didn't want his brother to leave him again, he couldn't survive it this time. So, if that meant that Genya took the anger and everything that came with it then he would.

"Sit down for a bit." Sanemi's tone was level, but not completely calm. It was kind of like when he would stifle his stomps to appease Genya's paranoia. The man was trying his hardest not to fly off the handle, trying to come back down to Earth so he didn't scare Genya anymore. "We need to talk."

This was it, the finale. Sanemi had offered everything he had to his baby brother and, yet Genya still couldn't comply. He couldn't just calm down and be normal for once. He had to make everything a big deal, had to freak out and get everyone hurt. Genya was too much of a liability, maybe he had always been, and Sanemi could finally see it. Maybe Kyogo hadn't been completely wrong, calling Genya a leech. He took and he took but he never could provide anything in return.