Everchanging

Skin

!!TW!! Thoughts of the following topics: Rape, SA, CSA, Abuse, Rape Culture, self-harm/relapse

Genya felt like he was going to explode, holding his breath as Sanemi turned into the driveway. Neither brother spoke for a moment and all Genya could do was play through a mantra in his head.

I was raped? Was I? But I'm a boy? Boys can't be.... Can they?

He felt three seconds away from being physically sick, but he didn't dare move. Genya's brain felt like it was at full capacity, taking in so much at one time. He looked back at a lifetime of lies and wondered just how stupid he was. How was he dumb enough to believe the two people who abused him? He almost scoffed at the sheer stupidity of it all.

His skin felt alive, buzzing and burning under his clothes but when he went to wipe his sweat away, he noticed the lack thereof. He didn't want to breathe too loud, so he opted for holding his breath until he feared he'd faint. But still, Genya didn't dare to speak to his brother. It wasn't like the day at the cemetery, Genya couldn't find the strength to act first. Because as scary as that day had been, this was ten times more frightening because the person he needed to speak to was alive . She could see him, read him to filth and know the root of his sickest problems. She was breathing, speaking, and living. Hinatsuru understood Genya more than he could fathom but she was also a woman. A grown, adult woman, who could render Genya completely useless.

So, his yearning and his fear fought violently in his heart. The years of loneliness begged Genya to reach out, to be understood. But the lifetime of self-preservation hissed that he hid alone to lick his wounds so no one else could take advantage of him ever again. And it was moments like this that Genya truly understood how sick he was. Hinatsuru had been nothing but kind. She was understanding and patient with every word she spoke and reaction she received. And yet, Genya was still afraid of her. Afraid of what she could do to him.

And it made him feel like a pervert, to even think that the woman would want to reenact anything on Genya. He felt shameful and guilty for being afraid that Hinatsuru would take pages from Miyano's book. He felt disgusting and dirty for seeing the woman like that, sexually, despite her herself having the same trauma he did.

"Genya, breathe." Sanemi's warm voice cleansed Genya of his filth, granting him air once more. His brother's fingers drew across his brow, gently coaxing the child to look at him. Sanemi was the one clean thing Genya had left. He had seen the pictures and videos. The man had seen with his own two eyes the damage Miyano had done, the boy naked and prone on their father's bed. And yet, Sanemi still treated him with kind hands and a fond gaze. He never looked at Genya like he was filthy, not even that night when Genya had been nearly undressed with Miyano in his bed. Not once did Sanemi ever look at Genya like he was disgusting, despite how much he was. "We don't have to do this if you don't want to. We can just go home and take a nap if that sounds better."

Genya wondered, not for the first time, how his friends were doing. He hadn't seen them in a while, surely, they had processed the incident by now. The boy couldn't help but wonder, and fear, if when he saw them again would they look at him with distasteful eyes. Would they see him for what he truly was, what Miyano made him into, a cheap lay? He didn't think he could take it if they did.

"Gen, talk to me. What're you thinking?" Genya shook his head. He couldn't dirty his brother with the thoughts he felt. He didn't want to defile his own brother with the words that begged to be spoken. "You don't have to tell me everything. I just want to know how you're feeling right now. Is that okay?"

The boy sucked in a breath, feeling the seat belt digging into his shoulder much like Miyano's teeth once had. The thought urged his shoulder to shift, pushing the fabric until it slid away from him. Sanemi's eyes caught the movement, his own calm hands unbuckling his little brother and pulling the seat belt so it retracted back into the car. Moments passed as Genya simply sucked in air, his fists tightly pinned to his stomach to hold his food secure. He didn't want to vomit in his brother's car.