All For You

𝟐𝟓.

**This chapter discusses iza's struggles with eating

𝐈𝐳𝐚

I think about death a lot.

Death made me forget who I was, I would have preferred if it had just taken me away the same way it did with Esira.

When Esira died, I sat and thought at the beach a lot. I didn't do anything but just sit there, I have to say it was pretty depressing for me. But it does sound peaceful, right? Being alone with my thoughts and letting them run through my mind without a moment's disturbance. The only bad thing about this all was that I was slowly being killed by every voice that ran through my mind. With every single passing second, I was fading away and wished it would happen quicker.

In a way, I could say I was dying inside. At some point, I would end up becoming a soulless body. Just moving, not living.

I was crawling my way to the door of death before I crossed paths with him. I should thank him for that day, even if it might have been a small interaction. It was enough to make me smile and reconsider where I was heading to. It could be said that he brought me back to life because I'm not sure whether I would have made it up until now without that interaction I had with him. It made me think that maybe, there are other things in life that could make me laugh and smile like how he had done. I never really tried new things back then so I didn't know about the many hobbies that I enjoy now.

I first met him at a hospital when Aran had overdosed.

I pressed my hand onto my stomach to suppress any gurgling. I shouldn't have listened to Mom when she told me to grab a sandwich as we were heading out to the hospital, I deeply regret eating it and feel even worse now that I want more food.

I keep overthinking everything whenever I eat. It's always like this. Eventually, I end up binge-eating, it's horrible because I don't know when to stop. I don't know when I feel full, all I can think about is just eating. I'd do anything to get rid of the pain, even if it mean to stuff my face with so much food to a point where I'll throw up. Switching from emotional to physical pain constantly is draining. I wish I didn't ever feel so much.

I sighed and fiddled with the locket in my hand. With a mind like mine, it's never been easy with food. I hope one day it'll get better.

All I can think is that I'll never be pretty if I don't lose all this weight. It doesn't matter to me whether I'm happy or not, I'm not even sure whether I can feel happiness anymore. It's such a distant emotion now. My mind will never leave me alone, always hurling insults at me with any chance it gets. I act like I'm fine but the harsh reality of this all is that I'm fading away, slowly dying inside with every breath I take. Most days it just feels like I'm not there anymore like I'm just a living corpse. Then there are days like these, days where things that are downhill drop down to my own personal dystopia.

I've been living in this dystopian nightmare since the day I opened my mouth and got Esira killed. She drowned in a river but she would have never ended up there if it wasn't for me. If I hadn't gotten into that damn argument with her. All because of that stupid fucking argument.

"Hey... are you uh... okay?" An unfamiliar voice asked, interrupting my train of thought.

I turned my head around to see a set of dark grey eyes staring at me. His eyes told me enough of how concerned he was. I looked away from him, I can't seem to hold eye contact for very long. God, his eyes are so pretty too. "I'm fine, but who are you?" I questioned, my voice cracking at the end as I quickly stuffed my locket into my jacket pocket. His eyes followed my abrupt movement before he looked back up to me and answered.