All For You

𝟒𝟓.

𝐈𝐳𝐚

I held the letter in my hand, the crashing of the waves surrounding me as I read the letter again and again.

'And if you ever feel low, you know where to find me...' I wanted to scream, cry, and pull all my hair out. Yet I stayed still, looking out at the crashing of the waves as the loneliness of this desolate beach accompanied my misery.

I often came here on days when I couldn't bear with myself or the world.

It was a side of an abandoned isolated beach that Esira, Aran and I had found as children, we never understood why no one owned the piece of land because it was a beautiful spot to have. But as I slowly got older I realised that beauty doesn't matter much when you don't carry value. 

Yet this place held a significant amount of value to me. For days after Esira's death, I visited this place almost every day. I found comfort in the crashing of waves, the sounds of nature doing its usual routine whilst I sat in the midst of it all zoning into it as a part of my peace. 

Now I found myself in this constant loop that I had been thrown into when I was without Leo.

I sighed, wiping my cheeks from the last of my tears as I continued to stay sat down with the paper in my hands, my arms wrapped around my knees before I rested my chin on them. My tears were dry now, I had cried for more than enough days. Now all I could do was sit down and wait for this phase to pass over. 

For my love for him to fade like it once did two years ago. 

I watch the rolling of the waves before I stood up and slowly started walking towards them. I hadn't touched the surface of the ocean in such a long time, I almost yearned for it. All these years I had the underlying fear that Esira would haunt me even more if I had ever touched the sea, but I was frankly tired of letting her death control me.

The water, smoothed over the flat surface of the sand as it moved back and forth in small waves. Its coldness tickled my sandals before I kicked them off and started to play around with the waves, a small breath of laughter came out my mouth as I bent my knees and soaked almost half of my dress. Esira's words of laughter and reassurance reflected back to me, every now and then those pair of grey tormented eyes flashing me. 

Soon, the dark clouds that I'd spotted the size of an ant from a few miles away started frowning down right above me before finally letting out their tears, fast-paced rain dropping all over me like a shower. My hair and clothes both became easily became drenched and soaked, yet that seemed to be the least of my concerns.

I laughed out whilst raising my head to the sky, the raindrops falling on my face as I felt a huge smile burst on my face. For the first time this month, I was at peace. 

The freezing chill that surrounded me suddenly became overcome by an intense heat, and I know it enough to know exactly who had the power to have my body react that way without me seeing them. I almost didn't want to turn around, but something scratched and screamed at me too. 

With an intense hold on my breath, I turned my back to the ocean and my face towards his. That's when I saw the state of him, although with his back to me, I could tell he was going through a chaotic hell. From his ruffled jet-black hair to the soulless way he dragged himself towards his car. 

I froze, my heart hysterically sobbing and sliding down to a terrifyingly dark place whilst my mind tore to pieces. I wanted to call out to him, biting my lip in a torn state as the many voices argued in my head.

Was I hallucinating him? I blinked tightly before opening my eyes yet again.

Right when I was about to call out to him his head rotated back a bit to peer over his shoulder, the pair of his grey eyes catching on me and almost making my knees explode. Everything around us stopped, the sound of seagulls quieting around us as the only sound that interrupted us was the pattering and slamming of the hefty rain on the ground.