Of Love and Death.

The Past Chapter 8: Strength to Speak Pt. 3

      Mind felt quite different from when he normally spoke with Cold. Well, felt was the wrong word. It was not his feeling that were different, but his thoughts. Most of the time, they were a stream of questions. What's her expression? Why's she standing that way? Why do I feel awful? Oh no, I stuttered; is Cold gonna scold me for that?  Only, now, his thoughts weren't streams of questions to analyze how to stay on Cold's good side. Mind's thoughts were a stream of questions to analyze Cold's every move. He was trying to see if he'd been overreacting to how bad Cold had been. Maybe she wasn't as bad as he remembered?

     "You're roommate's an idiot," Cold said, not even turning from where she was facing Blood to speak to Mind. Her voice dripped with sweetness. Sickly sweetness, like syrup that had gone rancid. It was almost like she was trying to get Mind to think she was being nice by telling him that Blood was an idiot. Mind's old habits wanted to say that he was being dumb. Or that Cold was actually being nice by insulting one of Mind's closest friends.

     However, the other part of Mind, the part that had realized he was miserable ever so recently, was skeptical of Old Habits Mind. After all, wouldn't Blood be insulted if Form called Mind an idiot? Or Fire if Mind himself was insulted by...Wait. Was Fire even dating anyone?

       That's a question for later, Mind, Mind chided himself. It was probably better to be focused right now. Cold being here, talking with Blood and Form and himself, kinda felt important. A big showdown of most of the major players in Mind's life.

     Mind felt the need to say something. To disagree with Cold. A single chuckle escaped from between his lips. Disagreeing with Cold. When had he ever done that? He must really be serious about this whole "it's okay to embrace your feelings" thing he'd started. Seriously, even from the moment Cold had showed up, asking to date him, he'd never disagreed with her. Even though he hadn't really known Cold too well before they started dating.

     "So you agree with me?" Cold asked. She turned from where she had been looking toward Blood to face Mind. Cold seemed a bit incredulous. Mind was a bit surprised about that. He doubted that Cold wasn't expecting him to say Blood wasn't an idiot. However, maybe she hadn't been expecting Mind to laugh at one of his best friends?

     Mind knew that he could just check Cold's head to be sure of the answer, but he didn't want to. He was a little bit scared, even if he wasn't sure why. Come to think of it, had he ever read Cold's mind? Before Mind could contemplate that question any longer, Cold continued speaking to him, ripping him out of his thoughts. "Blood's enough of a dumbdonkey it's laughable?"

     Mind stiffened. Every muscle in his body locked together. What could he say?  Mind didn't want to lie to her, and he didn't want to slander Blood, even if he didn't mean it. But he also didn't know how to say he wasn't in agreement.

     "Um, um," Mind stuttered. His mouth was dry, and he was pretty sure he was shaking a bit. He gripped the strap of his blue and white bag tightly. Actually, as he saw his hands on the strap, he realized he was shaking a lot. 

      "I, I, I." Mind had to disagree with Cold. After all, Blood was amazing, and he didn't want to say anything against his friend. He also had to agree with Cold. Because she was his girlfriend. At least, that's what he'd always been telling himself. That he had to agree with Cold. Because she was his girlfriend.

     Was that right? Mind had been questioning everything lately. Was he supposed to agree with her? Was he not? Um, what should he? How should he? WHAT DO I SAY? Mind screamed at himself.

      "Wh, why is he, um Blood. Why is he an..? I mean, I d-d, um," Mind was a mess right now, that much was obvious.

       If it was Fire, what would you say? Mind asked. That had been what he had been doing lately. Asking himself what he would do in a situation if Cold or Fire was there. Generally, he was happier when it was Fire in the situation. Only, this wasn't a thought experiment. Cold was standing in front of him. If it was Fire, Mind would give the Sun a piece of his mind. That wasn't even a question.

     "Mind, are you okay?" Blood's words reached Mind, even though he had said them out in the hallway.

     "No," Mind whispered. It wasn't loud enough for anyone to hear, and it kind of sounded like a cry. Well, it was actually a cry. There was a tear rolling down his cheek right now. He just didn't know what to do. He knew what he wanted to do, but he didn't know if he could do it.

      "Answer me. Do you agree with me?" Cold asked. Her voice didn't have any sweetness anymore. It was simply menacing. Mind felt himself curl inward a little bit. He pressed his arms to his chest, afraid to have them far from him. He lowered his head, not able to look Cold in the eyes.

     "Do you, um," Mind had the words. He was going to ask if Cold wanted the truth. It was a bit cheap, if he was being honest. Because either way, if she said yes or no, how he felt about Blood was obvious. If Cold said yes, Mind could tell her the truth. If not, he would tell Cold that he agreed with her. But then, everyone would know that that was a lie.

       Mind just was afraid to say the words. Because it felt cheap. Sure, he was still answering Cold's question, but not by himself. He was getting a push. As strange as it might be, Mind wanted to get the words on his own. He just didn't know if he could.

      I need to try, Mind thought to himself. I need to try. I need to try, because I'm not me. Because I want to be the guy I was before I started dating Cold. Because I was a lot happier then. Because I want to be that happy again.

     "I don't," Mind whispered. Even though no one heard that, he'd said it. And that made everything easier. The words were out of his mouth. The hard part was over. He'd spoken out against Cold! He felt light as a feather all of the sudden. Saying "I don't" again, was as easy as floating through the void of space.

     Mind didn't need to take a deep breath, or steal himself in any way. The words flowed off of his tongue like water flowed from a pipe. "I don't. I don't. I don't agree!" The words got louder and louder every time. He practically wanted to scream it to the entire universe. His confidence grew with the words as well. He felt better. Oh, so much better. Better, even, then when he'd become friends with Fire again.

     "I don't agree with you!"

Okay, so, Fire meets someone called Song in the market, and Song finds out he has a crush. Then Water, quite literally, magically appears to tease Fire. Song leaves when asked, assuring Fire that Mind and him will be a brilliant couple. Song knows this because he's dating Spirit, Mind's Sun counterpart. Then, Blood and Form are revealed to be dating. Also, Form and Song are opposites. Also, Form seems very similar to someone from the show... Anyway, Blood and Cold have a verbal argument, and then Cold calls Blood an idiot right as Mind shows up. Mind goes through an who courage summoning 1,200 or so words, to disagree with Cold. 

This chapter is dedicated to anyone who's dealing with cancer in any way. I wish you good luck.

Rest in Peace Technoblade.

Sincerely, Grayvere.