Beyond All Secrets, Lies and Betrayals

70)

I sighed and looked at Morgan. He was leaning on the passenger seat looking at crossing a train in front of us on the rails. Jacob and Jason sat in their baby seats and played while Hannah sucked on her pacifier while sleeping.

- Did you know that the difference between Hannah and our four children would be roughly a year or so? - Morgan thought.

- Is that exactly what your brain invented? Amazingly. - I muttered angrily.

It was three days since the incident with my family and I couldn't forgive myself. I kept telling myself that if I had gone home earlier, I would have saved them.

I was constantly nervous, and without realizing it, I vented my anger on Morgan. I realized what I said now and immediately took his hand.

- I'm sorry, I didn't mean to cut you off like that.

- It has been happening to you constantly for the last three days. - Morgan mumbled but sighed and smiled a little - No problem. At least you are fine.

I nodded and kissed his hand. His smile turned into a loving one, and I smiled back. I bent down to kiss him, but the car behind us scurried to leave. I grabbed the steering wheel and, speeding up, we set off.

Morgan grinned looking at me and leaned his head on the seat. I appreciated he didn't tease me while driving. After one more hour, Jacob and Jason started to get reckless while Hannah began to mutter, still sucking on her pacifier. We stopped at a roadside fast-food restaurant and the boys immediately ran to play on the playground. I looked at Morgan, but he was leaning against the car's hood, holding on to his chest.

- Morgan. - I said and he looked at me - Is everything okay?

- Yes, it only hurts a little. - Morgan answered, but immediately choked on it.

I touched his shoulder and Hannah whimpered sweetly, clearly showing that she was here. I looked at the boys. They played on the playground carefully.

- Jacob, Jason, come here. - I shouted at them.

They heard me and came back to us. Morgan finally took control of his breathing, and we went inside the restaurant. A waiter brought us a baby chair for Hannah and several menus. We chose a meal, and I pushed Morgan to grab his attention.

- How do you feel now? - I asked him.

- Slightly better. - he smiled.

He had not yet fully recovered, and his chest often ached. The doctors claimed that this was due to the piercing and still healing broken ribs. My husband tried to hide his pain, but he never succeeded to lied to me. I knew him well and I knew when he was trying to calm me down by lying to me like now. I reached into my bag and handed him painkillers. He did not object and drank them immediately. We ate in silence, and I keep thinking about everything that happen so far.

How will I protect my kids from this life? I almost lost Morgan and what if next time I lose him together with our kids. They were my only family left and I just couldn't lose them.

Until I realize, I was having a panic attack. The wall started to shrink, and my breathing become rushed. Morgan places his hands on my cheeks rubbing them and moving me so I can look at him. Jacob and Jason started to get worried, and I could see with my peripheral vision that they were getting up from their chairs ready to help.

- Sit down. - Morgan ordered and they listened to him as he focused on me - Do you remember the trick that helped me when I was hypervalent in the cell. Try to breathe with your stomach.

He unbuttoned my jacket slightly and stroked my cheek again showing me how to breathe. I tried to calm down by following my example and after a few minutes I was calm, not completely, but at least I was breathing normally.

- What happened? - Jacob asked anxiously.

- Are you okay? - Jason said worriedly.

- I am fine. - I answered, trying to calm down.

Morgan hugged me, and I immediately hugged him back, calming myself even more. PTSD with a panic attack is a bad combination. I heard Morgan say something to the waiter, but I didn't know what. After two minutes, he pulled away from me slightly and smiled.

- It's alright, Elena. You are here with me, Jason, Jacob, and Hannah. We are fine. - he said, trying to reassure me even more.

- Thank you. - I sighed and took his hand, intertwining our fingers - My PTSD is back.

- Along with panic attacks and anxiety. - Morgan added, squeezing my hand, reassuring me – We will handle this together as usual. - I nodded - But I will drive now.

I agreed because I didn't want to argue with him. Morgan paid the bill, and after the children were in their child seats in the car, we set off.

I was looking through the window in my thoughts when I felt an arm on my thigh. I glanced down and I saw Morgan's arm. I took his arm and he squeezed reassuring. I glance at his face. He was driving with one arm, and he was focused on the road, but he still spoke:

- Elena, try to calm down. Nothing is your fault; the more you blame yourself, the more you will get yourself into grief.

- From where do you know? – I growled not realising.

- I was there, Elena. – Morgan frowned – I lost my family and I blamed myself for days. Even now I blame myself, but I made the best choice then. – he looked at me smiling – I choose you and now I have a beautiful family.

Morgan looked back at the road and I sighed realizing he was right.

- I am sorry that I am constantly pouring my anger on you. – I apologized.

- No problems. As long as, you're fine, I don't mind being your punch bag. - he said with a smile.

- You aren't my punch bag. You are my husband. – I remarked to him and he smiled lovely looking at the road, but suddenly he frowned and the smile disappeared – What's going on?

In front of us, there was a car with a few men pointing guns at us. Morgan lets go of my hand and put his hand on the gear lever looking back. I turned and saw that there was another car behind. Men and women in ski masks and machine guns approached us. I looked at Morgan, but he was too calm.