Daydream [H.S. A.U.]

Ch.18

Work has been impossible to make it to on time since I'm not sleeping more than 3 hours a night the last week. Jaqueline and Capri have tried to stay with me as much as they can but they do have their own lives to live. It's honestly been difficult to be around people for long periods of time. I'd missed thanksgiving last week which my parents understood after I told them everything, but it pissed off the rest of my family to no end, and with Christmas coming up, I'm not sure how I'm going to survive.

The anniversary of my friend Sarah's death was yesterday so that's just been the fucking Cherry on top of it all. 8 years. 8 long years without my sounding board. 8 painful years of struggling with my demons.

I wouldn't be surprised if she was out there somewhere disappointed in me right now.

My therapist is trying to change my medication, but the stubborn bitch that I am I've been resistant. I don't even know why, the logical side of my brain is screaming at me for it, but I refuse to listen. All of this has made me feel weak and fragile, like I'm incapable of handling the harsh realities of the world. I mean, plenty of others have it worse than me, right? I should just buck up and suck it up.

My manager has been pretty understanding of the situation and has allowed me some time off. Of course when I declined, she gave me the option to work from home. It's a nice gesture but now I'm at home alone which doesn't help my mental state.

I'm constantly stressed and anxious. Wondering when the next shoe is going to drop. Wondering when the ground beneath my feet is going to cave in and swallow me whole.

Harry's been around as much as he's able to be, and I make sure to thank him every day for it. I get well check calls, surprise visits with pink tulips and comfort food, the works. He's started working in a studio downtown this week with a local band recording, which means lots of long hours and not much time to see him, so I'm trying to find healthy alternatives to keep myself occupied. I'd much rather self destruct and start using again, that's the easy way out, but Harry doesn't deserve that.

I know it's not healthy to depend on the presence of another person to help me heal, but his is the only one that takes even an ounce of the pain away.

A bit of good news though. Today is the day that my cousin is getting out of treatment, which has me in a much better mood than I am usually in these days. My mom and I pick up my aunt Dee to drive the hour long trip to pick him up. He has been in treatment for about 2 months and from what he's told me in the letters we've been exchanging back and forth, he seems to have really benefited from this.

I really hope that's the case, because I don't think I can handle another curveball from life right now.

We make it to the treatment center in good time and he's already waiting patiently outside with his small duffle and a smile. A real smile this time, one I haven't seen in years.

His face has filled out again and he's put on some weight. His skin is no longer dry and lackluster but a beautiful tawny brown. His curls were a healthy, lush deep brown-almost black. I've missed him like this. I jump out of the car before my mom can even put it in park. "Bria, Jesus!" She yells but I ignore her, I'm just to excited for this reunion.