Daydream [H.S. A.U.]

Ch.19

There was a time in my life that everything felt impossible. Getting up every day, going to work, brushing my fucking teeth, feeding myself, showing up for my friends and family the way I needed to. It all felt suffocating and painful, like I was being buried alive by my own demons.

I stayed in such a dark place for so long that I never thought I'd find the light. But now I think I've almost clawed my way to the surface, grasping at any glimmer of light, of hope that things really do get better. There are many factors to consider when thinking about how I got where I am today mentally, the ugly and the pretty parts all wrapped in a nice bow. It's taken me a long time to come to terms with the fact that life is simultaneously mysterious and terrifying and glorious, challenges thrown in your path that the universe knows you can handle.

At times, you feel as though the pressure becomes too much to bear, and the balancing act of life's trials and tribulations will best you. But they don't, unless you allow them to. We're strong enough to withstand the worst of the worst and, if you're lucky, you still come out the other side in one piece.

2 weeks with TJ living with me has been such a positive turn for the both of us. I'd forgotten how much I'd missed my cousins presence. Even when he's throwing pillows at me for walking in front of the tv or calling me a shithead every five seconds. We'd come up with a workable routine for him to get to NA and go out and about job hunting while I worked from home every day. I'd promised myself after my last therapy session that I'd switch up my medication, start exercising and meditating, journaling at the end of each day to reflect on all the things I'm grateful for.

His first meeting he attended last week he did invite me to go with him knowing about my own struggles with addiction. I was hesitant and a little scared at first, but I bit the bullet and tagged along, burying any anxieties I felt towards it. I didn't talk since I didn't know what to even say, so I simply listed to everyone's stories, which were empowering to say the least.

Since I decided to stop using cold turkey with no program, TJ told me that being dry can sometimes backfire: "You've been white knuckling it for almost a year, it won't hurt to try working with the recovery community."

His words play in my mind over and over again, knowing damn well he's correct.

I'd met a great girl, Rose, who is 5 years sober and offered to be a point of contact for me.

I wouldn't call her my sponsor per se, but she could be if I asked. She told me not to feel any pressure but that she'd be willing to sponsor me.

"Have you told Harry about... you know." TJ asks passing through the living room, keys in hand.

Sighing heavily, I close my book. "No. I haven't. And I don't know how to. I'm worried it'll scare him off."

"I doubt he scares easily, kid. But you should talk to him, no reason to hide the demons, they'll only overpower you in the end." Stepping into his vans he gives me a knowing look.