Yes, Master (Kylo Ren X Reader)

Chapter 25: Affection and Pain

TW: Inappropriate use of the Force, Public Sex (kind of), degrading

You jolted awake, realizing that your pillow was much more stiff than you remembered it the night before. Using your hand you felt around only to realize you were touching a familiar chest. Shit. You moved away quickly, but he had already noticed. He wordlessly slid out of the bed, walking toward the bathroom. He stopped and turned to you before opening the door.

"This..." He pointed his finger and waved it in your direction, "you sleeping in here isn't working."

The pit in your stomach was larger than a star destroyer. You should have been feeling glad that he was acting this way, it was no different than normal, and it was going to help the decision you knew you had to make a lot easier. After coming to your realization, seeing him was only bringing you pain.

"Master, I don't understand. You're the one who wanted me in here, you said it was for safety."

"I know what I said, but I've decided that it isn't necessary." He sighed heavily, "and it would appear you might have the wrong idea."

The wrong idea? "I can't control what I do in my sleep." You didn't expect that you would wake up touching him. And after everything you had done together, why did he care? Was it too intimate? Your bottom lip began quivering. "But you're probably right, this was a terrible idea."

Without another word, you walked through the corridors to your room, fighting back the urge to cry the entire way. You had never known what love felt like, and you still weren't sure that this was love, but you weren't sure what else this sickening feeling could be. You thought back to your actions. You had a willingness to jump into dangerous situations, throwing caution to the wind to save him. You were in near cardiac arrest just being in his presence. If he asked you to do anything for him, you would. The dream you had, taking his hand in that horrifying stadium, you knew if he asked you to take the throne with him, and even possibly join the dark side, you might be willing to do that too, as long as he was standing next to you every single day, but he told you, he didn't want to stand by your side every single day.

Pacer was back, and you were happy to see her again. You dismissed the other woman. You just felt like you needed to talk to Pacer, she knew what love was, right? She helped you dress in your formalwear, and when she got to your hair, you started to spill your thoughts.

"Pacer, what does love feel like?" She looked like she was stabbed and you realized how insensitive what you asked was. "I'm so sorry Pacer, I wasn't thinking." No one had heard anything about Jay and her wellbeing, and until anyone did, the woman doing your hair would be suffering.

"No, Mistress, It's ok."

"Please, please call me Lex, please." You were begging. She was your friend, at least, the closest thing you had to a friend, and you needed her to feel the same about you, for your sanity.

"Lex." Even though it wasn't your real name, hearing her say anything other than Mistress felt nice. She smirked at you. "Love is the hardest thing to describe." She stopped playing with your hair. "It's like as long as you know you have that person, and that person has you that everything is ok." Her eyes turned glossy and tears streaked down. "It's like your body is filled with a warmness that only that one person can give you." She wiped her face and returned to your hair. "It's wishing that you were dead instead of them, and simultaneously being grateful that you were the one left alive to suffer without them so they wouldn't have to know that type of suffering."

Shit. You thought for a moment that she would say something so far beyond what you felt that you could breathe again and convince yourself that you weren't in love with him. Her answer helped you come to your conclusion. Your time in the First Order was coming to an end. You couldn't spend another moment here, or this feeling would just continue to eat you from the inside until you exploded. The thought that he would always be just out of reach, it was too painful.