You are Unfortunately my Amaranthine Night sky

POEM #42: SHOT

"Shot"

Let me clear one thing, I AM NOT DRUNK.

I am just mad, confused, and discouraged in life

It is the same conversation every time we talk

I stopped messaging you first so I could spare my dignity

You talk to me first but speak like you are forced into that situation

You call me just to make me feel like I'm unworthy of your time

I must be mistaken when I chose you

Maybe my judgment back then is clouded

So I checked the records twice

I ask myself "why" every night

I've conducted dozens of interviews with myself

Putting me in the hot seat just so the truth will come out

And it is all the same, the same words every single time

It's the same result for every test

"The reason for this madness, for everything, is love"

Then I remembered I was not drunk when I chose to love you

Although the pain I get from it makes me want to take a shot

So now that I've reached the age of freedom to drink,

Age to drown myself in alcohol instead of drowning in tears,

I'd take a shot at a very painful memory of yours in my vault

One shot because you are too nice!

I am not what you said I am

I can hate you with all of my heart

If I want to, I can ruin your life

Second shot because what I just said was a lie!

I am just like you, a good person, I am a nice human

Too nice for my own sake

That is why I love you still even after what happened

That is why I settled with this even if I am hurting

That is why I sacrifice my happiness for yours

We are similar in so many ways

We like the same genre of music

The same jokes, the same videos

We laugh at the same stuff

We understand each other's negativity

But some things are just different between us

The door in my heart will never be closed

It will always be open for you

But the door in your heart will never open for me

You shut the door and slammed it in my face

So that is for the third shot!

Fourth shot for being just a friend!

Fifth shot because you made my trust issues worst

I can no longer trust people, especially the kind ones

Sixth shot because I am losing the pureness in my soul!

I am becoming harder and number as time goes by

My fear is growing like cancer cells multiplying in my brain

Another shot because it hurts so much!

I want the pain to stop so give me painkillers

I don't want to live in endless agony

Another shot! I don't even know how to count anymore

Why can't I hate you for putting me in this hell?

Hell that visits me every few days

Hell that makes me cry at night questioning my worth

Another shot because I still love you!

Another shot for my broken heart!

Don't ask me if I am drunk, I AM NOT DRUNK!

I am just saying what I've been keeping for a long time

Another shot because I hate myself!

Another shot for my stupidity!

Another shot...

Wait, I am crying again.

As I see you beside me looking at me with love in your eyes

I am seeing things again, am I?

I am having delusions, I am being delusional

Maybe I am drunk.

I mean I just heard you say you love me

It's impossible to happen, how presumptuous of me!

I might really be drunk from all these shots of pain

But unlike your lying heart, I meant what I said

You shot me once in the heart and made me fall

You shot me twice to kill me and finish the job

Then ask to drink with me when I died

I wish I had that courage in me

Courage enough to take a shot with the person you just killed

Anyway, last shot for the things we cannot be!

Last shot because the space between us will never be filled!

A/N: Hello, I would love to hear your thoughts about this poem. You can write your favorite line or the phrase/line you like the most in this poem. Mine is down in the comment section. I'll be waiting for your answer. Once again thank you for reading! Love you guys, bye!

PS: I don't have any photos to post so I'll just post random drawings of people HAHAHAHA. I drew this or fun so might as well use them in my book.