Jennie – 10 years later
I stare at the textured ceiling in the early light. The curtains shield me from the main blast of it but fail to block it out completely. I stretch my body out before collapsing back onto the sofa that I call my bed. I'm never fully comfortable on this thing. The centre cushion is higher than the end cushions, making me feel like I'm laying across a speed bump; and the pillows are rough against my face.
It's quiet in the house but past experience shows that it won't last much longer.
As if on cue, a door creaks upstairs as shuffled feet head to the bathroom. By now, I can tell whose footsteps they belong to. Like now that is Jisoo, shuffling along in her slippers with the fuzzy lining. She'd gotten them for Mother's Day and wore them so much that the fuzzy lining was now paper thin. Yet they were a gift from her boys, so she continues to put them on.
Turning over to my side, I can see my daughter Ella sleeping on the hastily-bought toddler airbed. The blanket and pillow attached in the colourful design of one of her favourite kid's programs. For the last two Mother's Day, I haven't received a card nor any presents. At two years of age, Ella doesn't know what the day means and it's not like I have a partner to buy me anything on her behalf. Instead, I took her out for the day, having a rare treat day. Although, now thinking of it, I won't be able to afford anything like that anytime soon though.
It had been just the two of us since the day she was born. I wasn't rolling in the money but I was able to earn enough to put a roof over our heads. We were doing fine; in another year she would be in nursery and I wouldn't have to pay for babysitters, giving us a little more money to stretch out.
Then everything went up in smoke. Literally. The duplex flat that we were renting was the perfect size for us, the rent and bills were manageable. I thought we would be living there for a few more years to come. Unfortunately, our neighbour didn't agree. In one night, we had lost everything except for a few hastily packed clothes and the car.
Thankfully my cousin Jisoo and her family took us in. She's the only family that I have left in the country. My grandparents have passed and my own parents left the country while I was in my second year of university. They had me later in life and I don't think that they have ever fully accepted me as a lesbian. Of course, they didn't outright disown me but, considering only a few months after I came out to them, they suddenly decide to leave the country. It makes you question if there is a correlation.
Jisoo and I had always been close, even with the five-year age gap. She had moved out of Busan when she got married, living an hour away in a lovely area called Gyeongju. I'd stayed with her a few times after my parents left the country but had decided to stay in Busan, once I finished university. Now, once again Jisoo has taken me in. There is nothing left for me in my home city, whereas here I have family. My goal right now is to save enough money to be able to get my daughter a bedroom of her own again. Gyeongju may be the perfect place to restart my life.
Slowly, Ella's eyelids start to flutter open. "Morning baby girl." I say gently, letting her know that I'm nearby. Since the fire, Ella has been extremely clingy, practically attached to my hip. It's all I can do to have a toilet moment on my own. Jisoo and her family try to distract her for me but she still only wants me. After a month and a half of all this, I am extremely exhausted physically, mentally and emotionally.
Ella climbs out of her little bed and joins me laying on the sofa. As much as I would like five minutes to myself; I wouldn't trade these little moments with my daughter for anything. Just the two of us cuddled up together. She rests her little head in the hollow of my neck, with her tiny fingers swirling a piece of my hair. For the most part, she looks exactly like me, it's hard to tell the difference between our baby photos. The main difference is where as my hair has always been dead straight, hers has a lovely curl to it. She practically has ringlets. I think as she's getting older, she's starting to notice the difference, so she curls a piece of my hair whenever she gets the chance.
