Jennie – 10 years ago
She left. She actually left. She just got in her car and drove off.
I stayed rooted to my spot in the back of my own car, watching numbly as her car disappeared through my tears. The only thing that I could do was curl into a ball and cry.
I was not sure how long I was like that before I heard a knock on my car window. She has come back for me. Eagerly I look up, only to be instantly disappointed. Hanbin looks back at me. Without saying a word, he climbs in and pulls me into his arms. It's a warm and comforting gesture but they are not the arms that I want around me right now. Which only makes my tears flow even harder.
"Jennie, you're scaring me, what's wrong?" he asks when the sobs start to die down enough that I can talk.
"She left." I say while burying my head further into his chest. Two years I've kept this secret, but at this moment, I don't care, I just want my Lisa back.
"Who left? I don't understand." He questions worriedly.
"She left, she left me." I repeat, totally not being able to form more coherent thoughts than those three words.
"Who left you? I got a call from... wait, no." His hand that was smoothing up and down my arm disappears.
Without looking up, I can hear him rub his face warily. Slowly I back up, so I can see him but I'm struggling to look up. "You and Lisa." He states. "It was you all this time. You were her secret girlfriend."
The tears that had slowed down, pick up again as I give him a single nod. Gently he lifts my chin so I have to meet his eyes. "Why didn't you tell me, Jennie?" There were thousands of reasons that have kept me quiet for the past two years but with Hanbin none of them seem valid. He's my best friend, my brother in many ways, I know that he would have my back. When I don't answer, his thoughts take a different path. "I'm going to have words with Lisa for hurting you." He says through gritted teeth.
"No." Okay maybe I can get a few more words out. "No. Don't say anything. We've both decided that this was for the best."
"It doesn't look like a mutual decision from where I'm sitting." He fumes.
"I promise it was. She's going a hundred miles away; we would never see each other."
He stares into my watery eyes as if judging my honesty before sighing. "Fine, I won't have a talk with her."
"Thanks."
"Where are your keys, I'll drive, you can stay over at my place tonight."
Half an hour later and I'm cuddled up with Hanbin in his bed. We'd known each other all our lives and slept over at each other's place countless of times over the years. Our parents still held out hope that we'd get together but we both knew that it was never on the cards. So here I lay, wearing a borrowed pair of pyjamas from him, cuddled up next to him, strictly platonic.
"How long, Jennie?" he asks into the dark.
"It started towards the end of year eleven, then we officially started dating at the start of year twelve." I say numbly. My tears have dried up for now.
"Two years, how did I miss this for two years?"
"Because I was too afraid to let anyone see. When she came out, she wanted me to come out at the same time, she wanted to announce to everyone that we were a couple. I wouldn't let her. We argued over that. At one point, I thought I'd lost her as a result but she came up with a compromise. She'd come out but I wasn't to be mentioned. The secrets were getting to her, I knew that yet I still was too scared to come out."
"Did you love her?"
"Yes. When it was just the two of us, it was amazing, but I was scared to show that in front of anyone else."
"Did you two, umm, you know, sleep together?"
I blush but find comfort in the dark to keep talking. "Yes."
He blows out a deep breath. "Who'd have thought you'd lose your V-card before me."
My one eye brow raises on its own command. "Really?" I asked shocked.
He chuckles lightly. "Yep, big old virgin, right here."
"You've had a couple of girlfriends though."
"I guess none of them felt right. I mean I have done some stuff, mostly hand stuff, I just haven't had sex, sex. You know what I mean?"
"Yeah. For the record there is nothing wrong with hand stuff."
He cracks up laughing and I soon find myself joining him.
