Lisa – 12 years ago
For a long time now, I'd been silently questioning my sexuality. My dreams starred girls, talk of being with boys felt wrong and just the mere mention of a lesbian had my ears perked. While Rosé, my best friend, had become a little boy crazy in the past year; I was looking around wondering how do you even begin to find someone attractive.
When my mates started playing spin-the-bottle before one of our exams, I thought this was my chance to see what everyone was talking about. It wasn't the best venue, in the school canteen, with all of us perched on the attached stools along the long fold-up table. Sitting shoulder to shoulder. At first, I was stuck landing on the boys. Whether it was because I thought of these guys as friends, I don't know but kissing them felt strange.
Wrong even.
Then George persuaded Jennie to join in.
We'd been part of the same friends group for a couple of years now but she was still quite shy. She seemed to be really close with Hanbin. I think they grew up together and had a strong family bond as a result. People did assume they were siblings sometimes.
When the bottle stopped and the plastic lid was pointing at me, I fought to keep my reaction neutral. I felt bad for her that she had to kiss me. Yes, I was looking for a little experimentation but I felt bad that it would be her. She was a pretty girl but she just seemed more innocent than the other girls. But I thought it would look worst if I didn't kiss her. So, I jumped up and made my way to her.
I only intended to give her a little peck. I didn't expect that one peck to make me feel so many different things. With great difficulty, I pretended like that one act had not changed my whole world. Then I caught her looking at me and I felt my bones melt away.
I would find excuses to talk to her, trying different things to get her to laugh. All signs seemed positive, so when we went to the cinema with the girls, I braved making a move. Okay, it was just holding her hand but it felt massive. My heart was pounding as I reached forward, distracting Rosé from seeing what I was doing by talking about some nonsense.
This quiet girl who has been on the outskirts of my awareness was suddenly becoming my sole focus.
That night as we all spent the night at Jada's house, I volunteered to sleep on the floor with Jennie. We each had our own blanket and pillow but to be laying so close to her felt massive. The five of us had fun but I couldn't wait for them to all go to sleep so I could maybe have a moment with Jennie.
They took forever to go to sleep.
Eventually they all did though and I turned to look at a sleeping Jennie next to me. Only she wasn't asleep either. The both of us simply lay on our sides facing each other at first. Sharing a secret smile in the dark. Then she surprised me by placing her hand tentatively between us. With a slightly shaky hand, I lightly cover hers. After sparing the others a look, to check they are still asleep, I scoot closer.
"Is this okay?" I whisper.
"Yes."
I take a deep breath and ask for the one thing that has been playing on my mind for months now.
"Can I ...can I kiss you?" I ask in a shaky whisper.
Her head moves on her pillow but in the dark I can't make out if it was a nod or a shake. Then she says one little word that sets my spirits soaring. "Yes."
I close the gap and softly place my lips on hers. The first time we kissed, it was barely more than a peck, a two second joining of lips. This time is so much better. I feel her hands on my head pulling me closer. Tentatively I move my lips and feel hers move with mine. Oh my God, this feels so much better than the last time. The pressure and friction all combining to make my whole body feel alive. There is not a doubt in my mind that I'm a lesbian now, but more than that I'm developing a pretty big crush on this girl.
We fell asleep that night facing each other. I couldn't keep the smile off my face.
