Jennie
"Mummy." Ella says, rushing up to give me a hug.
"Hey baby girl. Did you have a good day with Lisa?" I ask, finally relaxing now that I'm home and have my child in my arms. My worries for Ella came back on the way home with me a little worried about the fact that I didn't hear from Lisa today. I kept telling myself that it was stupid but still didn't fully relax until I saw her.
She nods her little head comically. "We go to park."
"You went to the park, did you?" I ask with wonder in my voice, like that's the most amazing experience in the world.
She nods then leans in like she's going to tell me a secret, only she still doesn't know how to whisper. "Lili go on slide." She leans back and covers her mouth with her little hand as she giggles. I try my best not to laugh but can't stop the smile.
I look over at Lisa who is watching us from the sofa. "Did she?"
Lisa simply shrugs with a smile. Ella continues to giggle so Lisa comes over and tickles her. "Ella, are you telling stories about me?" Lisa asks in mock shock, with a twinkle in her eye.
"Nooo." Ella giggles, while squirming in my arms.
"Has she eaten?" I ask Lisa.
"Yup, I know that by the time you get home, she's normally getting ready for bed, I hope that's okay?"
"No, that's brilliant, thank you. Ella, what do you say to Lisa for taking you out today?"
"Tank you, Lili."
"You're very welcome, Ella. We'll take mummy with us the next time."
Ella looks to me expectantly. "Maybe." I say because I know that Ella will expect it to happen tomorrow otherwise. "Right missy, let's get you in the bath."
After a bath, I tuck Ella into bed and read her a story. I barely make it to the end of the first page before she is fast asleep. Lisa must have worn her out today.
"Thanks for looking after her today." I say sitting next to Lisa on the sofa.
"It was no problem, I had fun. Anytime I can help, you only have to ask."
"Thanks, you big kid." I chuckle.
"I'm sorry, how can you go to the park and not play on the equipment?" she asks in a semi-serious way.
"Because it's for kids."
"It wasn't like I shoved a kid out the way so I could take a turn. I was playing with Ella. And if the swings were free, I would have gone on them too."
"I forgot how much you loved the swings." I say wistfully. There was a park we used to go to together. It was at the top of a hill and wasn't over looked by the neighbouring houses. There was this big donut shaped weaved swing that the two of us could curl up in. We'd go there at night and look out at the stars above and the street lights below. Sometimes we'd talk the whole time, whereas other nights, we'd just sit there in silence, simply soaking up each other presence. I felt so safe in her arms back then.
"Swings are amazing. I've thought of having one here. Not a single seat, something more like the one at our park. But I can't decide if I want it in the bedroom or out the back."
She remembers our park as well? That makes me feel slightly tingly.
"I repeat, big kid."
"Got to enjoy life, I see too much shit to not enjoy the little things in life."
I forget the dangers of her job sometimes. She's still the funny, happy Lisa that I knew as a teenager. It becomes easy to forget that every time she puts that uniform on, she risks her life. That she saves people from burning buildings or car accidents. She helps people at the worst moments of their lives. It's not a job that I ever thought she would be doing but I couldn't think of anyone more suited to the job than her. I'm glad she found the perfect fit.
"So, what did the two of you get up to today?"
"Well, we went to the park, as you know. Then Ella treated me to a pub lunch, she's a great wing baby by the way. After that we came home and did some colouring. I managed to stay within the lines and everything."
The joke at the end is lost to me as I focus on one part of that story.
"What do you mean wing baby?" I ask with a deadly calm.
"Well, there was this cute waitress that I got talking to after she saw how adorable Ella is and she gave me her number."
"You hit on a girl while you were meant to be looking after my child!?" My temper starts rising.
"Why are you getting so upset? It's not like I left Ella at the table while I flirted at the bar. Ella never left my sight at all." She comes back hotly.
"I don't want that type of behaviour around my child!" I say standing up.
"What!? I know you seem to have taken a vow of celibacy but now you expect me to as well."
"You are perfectly welcome to sleep around as long as it's not done around Ella!" I say with my arms flailing about.
Lisa jumps up from the sofa and starts pacing. "Now you're making it sound like I threw this girl on the table and had my way with her in the middle of the bar! All I did was talk to a girl. Are you not going to even tell Ella that you are a lesbian!? Is it going to continue being this naughty little secret with you? Did you tell Jisoo that she couldn't kiss her husband in front of Ella!?"
I flounder for a second at the few low blows. Does she hold it against me that I never came out back then? I'm not that scared kid, afraid that her parents would kick her out if they found out anymore. I've been out for years now. Wait, what was my argument again?
"That's not the same thing, they're married. I don't want a bunch of random women paraded around in front of my daughter!" Yeah, that is the argument I was making.
"Bloody hell, how much of a slut do you take me for!? Is it really Ella that you don't want around other women or yourself? Too afraid it will remind you of what you're missing!?"
I jumped at her, my solo intention was to shut her up but, as soon as my lips touched hers, a fire tore through my veins. Once the shock wore off, the two of us started heavily making out just like in those early days as teenagers. Then all of my reasons not to be with anyone comes crashing back down on me. I pull away from her freshly kissed dazed face and practically run from the room. Not stopping until I'm ensconced in my bedroom.
How the hell did I end up kissing her and why the hell did I stop?
