Journey (3)

Chapter 19

the night you left- ashley kutcher 

After last night, I'm definitely not in a position to be giving Natalie the step-by-step recollection of events that she's asking for. I state at her blankly. 

"You're really not giving anything away?" Natalie asks me, confused. "Come on. After I went to all that trouble of setting the two of you up." She smiles, clearly waiting for me to fill her in. "How did it go?"

I sigh. The last thing I want to do is repeat the events of last night, especially not to Natalie, but I don't see any other way of getting around this. "Natalie," I say, slowly. "The reason that I don't want to talk about it is because...because it didn't go well," I tell her, quietly. That was already more than I wanted to tell her about it. 

Natalie is silent for a second. "It didn't go well?" she repeats, as if the possibility hadn't even occurred to her before. "Wow. I'm sorry. I just thought...you didn't say...I didn't even think..." she trails off, not knowing how to respond. 

"It didn't go well," I confirm, shaking my head. "That's why I didn't want to talk about it." I sigh, looking at a spot on the wall rather than directly at Natalie. I can't handle her look of sympathy right now.

"Wow," Natalie says again. "I'm sorry." She exhales, before speaking again. "What did he do this time?" 

This is exactly why I didn't want to talk about it. I hate that she just assumed that Connor was at fault for whatever happened last night. In fact, it was the opposite. If anyone was to blame, it would have been me. 

"He didn't do anything," I say, firmly. I want her to believe me. "Actually...it was me. But I don't want to talk about it." I say that last part sincerely, wanting Natalie to drop the subject. I really don't want to have to say anything else about last night. 

Natalie nods, understanding what I mean. "Got it," she says, kindly. "We don't have to talk about it anymore." She pauses, sighing. "But are you okay, after whatever happened? How are you doing with it?"

I don't want to talk about that either, but I appreciate Natalie's concern. "I'm okay," I say, nodding. It's the simplest response that won't lead to any follow-up questions. I want this to be the end of the conversation. I would much rather talk about anything else, just as long as we didn't have to bring up last night anymore. 

Natalie nods again, knowing that she doesn't need to ask any more questions about it. "Okay," she says. "Well, I'm sorry, Tessa. I really didn't think." She starts to stand up. "Why don't we get out of here, just for a few minutes? We could grab a coffee."

As much as I appreciate Natalie's kindness, I really don't want to talk anymore, not yet. I make up a simple excuse. "I'm sorry," I say. "I actually have a few patients to see." I'm just making up a lie on the spot. "Maybe later?" I suggest, offering an alternative. 

"Sure," Natalie says, nodding. She doesn't question it. "We can get coffee later. Good luck with all of those patients," she says, smiling as she pushes open the door to leave the doctor's lounge. 

I don't feel too great about the fact that I just completely turned Natalie down, but what I really need is to get stuck into working. It's what I can do. 

I pick up my phone, and unlock it for the first time since last night. I already saw the collection of missed calls from Connor, that I purposely didn't answer. I saw the notifications of the texts that he sent, but ignored every single one. I wasn't ready then. 

I open the texts first, seeing a long collection of notifications, the most recent of them being from this morning. I don't want to imagine what they're going to say, but yet I still read them.