Journey (3)

Chapter 33

1 step forward, 3 steps back- olivia rodrigo 

TESSA'S POV:

I don't know how this can be happening. I don't know how I got here, but somehow I am. Somehow, I'm in a random supply room, spilling everything out to the one person who swore he would never talk to me again. Somehow, my head is pressed against his chest, and his arm is around me.

"Tessa," Connor says, because I have been silent for a while. It's been so long since I've done this, buried my head in his chest. I can smell his cologne, and somehow, it's the same one that he always uses. Why does this have to feel so familiar?

"I know. I have to go and talk to the family," I say, although I am dreading it. Talking to the family is the one thing I don't want to do, especially after I made that empty promise to them.

"No. Not that," he says. "I just- want you to know that I'm not trying to be a hypocrite," he tells me. I can tell that Connor is trying to be as genuine about this as he can be, which somehow makes it worse.

"I don't think you're a hypocrite," I say, into his chest, and suddenly realising the irony of the whole situation, immediately pull away. What am I doing? This feels like a mistake on so many levels. Why did I do that?

"It feels like I am," he says, sighing. "But it doesn't matter." Connor looks suddenly uncomfortable. "Look, I don't know why I followed you in here, but are you okay? To go back out there, I mean?"

I nod. The sooner I'm out of here, the better. This feels wrong, although I'm not sure why it does. "Yes," I reassure him. "I'm fine. It was just a moment of doubt. It's fine, I'm over it now."

Not exactly true, but if it gets Connor off my back, and makes him stop worrying about me, and looking at me with those concerned eyes of his. I wish he wouldn't look at me like that, like he's worried about me. I'm not his problem anymore. He didn't have to follow me in here.

"Okay," Connor says, nodding. He seems to sense my discomfort and takes a small step backwards. I'm grateful for it. The supply room is fairly small, and was beginning to feel claustrophobic. "Look, I really meant it. If you want me to come with you to talk to the family, then I will."

That's the last thing I want, but I'm not going to admit that to Connor, not when he's trying to do a nice thing. I should be grateful, I should even accept it, but I don't. Instead, I firmly shake my head. "No, it's fine. I can do it. I should do it myself, anyway. I'm the one who made that promise to them. Now, I have to be the one to explain everything to them." I pause. "Thank you, though."

Unexpectedly, Connor takes a step towards me. This room is starting to feel a lot smaller now. "You haven't messed up," he says again. "You haven't. We all make mistakes like that. I know that I've made promises I can't keep." He looks uneasy now. "I've been in your position. Everyone has. You haven't messed up."

Not that I'd admit it, but I am thankful for Connor's advice. It takes a small weight off my shoulders. "Thank you," I say again. I am suddenly extremely aware of how awkward this situation is. We swore that we would avoid each other, that we wouldn't even talk. This is the opposite of what we said. It's confusing.

"Tessa. Wait," Connor says, as I move towards the door to leave. "Just wait a second." His voice has a different tone to it, a more serious tone than before. It's enough to make me stop in my tracks and turn back around.

"What?" I ask him. For some reason, I'm feeling the anticipation. It's like a forbidden feeling, one that I definitely shouldn't have. More than anything, I just want to get out of that supply room. It seems to be getting smaller by the minute.