Journey (3)

Chapter 34

i can see you- taylor swift 

I am staring at my phone screen, looking at a missed call notification from Connor and wondering why he is doing this.

I purposely avoided his call. I saw his name flash on my screen, my phone loudly buzzing, and I ignored it. I placed my phone back down and waited for the ringing to stop. I didn't decline the call, just ignored it. It was better that way.

I didn't want to ignore him, or avoid his calls. It just had to be that way. As much as I didn't want it to be, it just had to be that way. It was better. I had to keep repeating that over and over, a silent monologue in my head. It was better that way. It was.

It's not like I'm going to ignore him forever. We're both in the hospital right now. I'm in the doctor's lounge, and Connor is probably upstairs somewhere. If he really wants to talk to me, he can come down and say whatever it is he wants to say. I wouldn't stop him, then.

Today, I was shown another picture of his new girlfriend. Doris was the one who showed me, but I have no clue how she got hold of the photo. She has her ways, I guess. 

I've been thinking about it, even though I know that I shouldn't be. I've been thinking about the nature of their relationship. Does he tuck the stray strands of her hair back behind her ears? Does he offer her his coat when it gets cold? Does she keep a spare pair of shoes in his closet? 

There were so many questions, circling my mind. So many questions that would never be answered. It was really none of my business what went on within their relationship. As much as I wanted to know whether he bought her flowers, or if he made her coffee after a long day. 

It was obsessive, I knew it. I don't want to be one of those excessively jealous ex girlfriend types. I can't stand those sort of people, and I know that I don't want to turn into one. I still find myself wanting to know whether they have inside jokes, or shared memories, or a signature song that's just theirs.

I wonder if he let her drive his car. It doesn't seem like a big thing, but it was. In our entire time together, Connor had only let me behind the wheel once. And I had to swear that I wouldn't wreck his beloved car. I wonder if she has managed to upgrade herself into the driver's seat of his car.

I am too wrapped up in thought to notice that Natalie is standing in the doorway, looking straight at me. "You look like you're going through a bit of a moral dilemma," she muses.

I nod, because maybe it's true. "It's not that huge," I say. "It's just that...Connor and I might have shared some sort of moment earlier today, and I don't know what that means. You know, in terms of us completely avoiding each other, and him completely resenting me?"

Natalie looks stunned. She looks completely perplexed at everything I just said. "Wow," she finally manages, her eyes wide. "That's...a lot. So much has just happened."

"That's what I was thinking," I agree. "Moral dilemma, see? I don't know what to think of it all." I really don't, but I don't want to tell Natalie that I was ruminating on the depth of a relationship that I really shouldn't have even been thinking about.

"Okay..." Natalie says, slowly. She still looks like she is trying to process everything. "So, let me understand this. You shared a moment? That's quite vague. What do you mean by a moment?" 

"It wasn't anything huge," I tell her, quickly, before she can start to get ideas on what it could be. "You know that patient who just came in here? Car accident? I kind of messed up, and he died."

"I'm sorry," Natalie quickly interjects. "I saw him going up to the OR. I'm sorry to hear that he died." She sighs, sympathetically. "But go ahead. What was your moment?"