Journey (3)

Chapter 31

there it goes- maisie peters

CONNOR'S POV:

It has been at least an hour since Tessa's final remark, and walk out of the doctor's lounge. This feels like an ending to things. 

I am mostly to blame for that. I insisted that the best option for us was to not talk, and completely avoid each other. It's an extreme thing to say, but every single time Tessa and I are around each other, it ends in disaster.

Tessa is only a short distance away from me, now more quiet and reserved than she usually is. She keeps looking over at me with wide eyes, and I keep pretending not to notice.

Every time I look back at Tessa, she looks visibly upset by everything that happened today. For a split second, I even thought that I saw her eyes misting slightly, with a tear.

I wanted to walk over to her, and apologise, and tell her that I didn't mean any of it, and that it would be okay. I hate seeing Tessa upset like that, and I hate hearing her say that she thinks I hate her.

That replays in my mind now as I work. Tessa's defeated voice claiming that I hate her. I don't. I never have. If anything, I miss her, and I regret how it all happened. 

If I had to start with my long list of regrets, it would begin on the night that we broke up. When I walked away from her. I knew then that I should have turned around and gone back. I shouldn't have said half of the things that I did say. I shouldn't have left her standing in the parking lot, pleading for me to come back, promising that she would change.

I felt like a terrible person, walking away from Tessa. Every time I walk away from her, I feel awful about it. She's an expressive person. I can tell from a mile away if she's upset, or if something is bothering her. Every time I walk away, I have to deal with the consequences of myself, and probably everyone else in the hospital, seeing Tessa be affected by that.

I realise that I've been so deep in thought about everything, that I hadn't even noticed Maggie standing behind me, trying to get my attention. "Connor?" she repeats, sternly. I don't know how long I have kept her waiting, but I swiftly snap back into the real world, my extensive list of regrets otherwise forgotten for now.

"Yes, Maggie?" I ask her, trying to make it seem like I wasn't just completely lost in thought about Tessa, a person who I definitely should not be thinking about. "What is it? What's happening?"

"I could ask you the same thing," Maggie says, her arms folded. "Your shift ended ten minutes ago, and all you're doing is standing here aimlessly, staring into space. What's going on with you?"

I look up at the clock, and Maggie is right. My shift is over. Kyla will be waiting for me to drive her home. In the midst of my argument with Tessa, I had completely forgotten about all of that.

"I didn't even realise my shift was over," I told Maggie. "I'm exhausted. Long day." It's the quickest excuse that I can think of, after being put on the spot. "Thanks for reminding me. I should probably head out now, though. Kyla will be waiting for me."

"You should," Maggie says, although there is an undertone to her voice that I can't quite figure out. I have a feeling that it must be something to do with the details that Tessa gave her. 

"Thank you, Maggie," I say again, nodding. Just as I'm about to leave, I look back at Tessa, who is standing just outside one of the treatment rooms. She is pulling on a loose strand of her hair. It's a telltale sign, one that I have seen her do many times before, whenever she's bothered by something. "Can you make sure she's okay?" I ask Maggie.

I don't need to specify that I'm talking about Tessa. Maggie knows. She nods. "I will. I'll talk to her," she reassures me. Just as I'm about to leave, Maggie says something else. "I know that you don't mean to do this," she says. "Tessa knows it too."